not even close to perfection

start of something new

2011-03-02T02:04:00.002-05:00

He came out of no where, but he really cares.

Didn't think I was ready for a relationship, but somehow it just happened.

I'm happy though. :)

repost..

2011-01-09T02:05:00.002-05:00

Bill Zeller was a talented programmer whose work we've featured on Lifehacker. He took his own life on Sunday and left an explanation that I think it's important you read.

Zeller was a victim of sexual and psychological abuse. It's clear from his writing that the abuse left him unable to interface with the world in any way that didn't leave him feeling he was too sullied to have the same experiences that he thought others had. He had a self-described "darkness", which despite his prostration it's clear he handled more ably than perhaps he ever realized.

Programming was a solace, but only temporarily. Zeller never felt he could escape the things that had happened to him because he carried his torment with him everywhere.

I think a person has the right to live or end their life as they choose. If Zeller really felt that suicide was his only option, so be it. But as someone who has had similar experiences in my own life, I want to say to anyone else who feels the way Zeller felt: You can't escape your past. Not completely. But you can deal with it. You can contextualize it. You can learn how to prepare for the times when you feel like it's not even on your radar and then it totally broadsides you.

And you can talk to people. You really can.

Bill Zeller
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.

I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.

I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.

Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.

So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.

I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.

There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.

I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.

—-

I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.

Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.

—-

To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller

—-

Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.

Thanks to Xeni Jardin and Matt Haughey for bringing Zeller's letter to my attention.

late nights

2010-05-18T01:52:00.002-04:00

For the past month, my sleep schedule has been all out of wack.

I don't mind. There have been some good conversations and moments in the midst of my sleep deprivation. It's worth it.

2010-02-16T21:47:00.003-05:00

Something I absolutely hate is when people don't know how to own up to their own inadequacies and blame others for their own insecurities.

Grow up, please.

Sometimes you need to hear the truth from your friends and stop crying about how they "get on your case" all the time. Do you know why they get on your case? Because they care and probably because you are too much of a coward to do something about it on your own.

Now, it's up to you to grow some balls and see that not everyone is attacking you out of spite; rather, it's an effort to help you grow up.

2010-02-04T14:36:00.001-05:00

I'm done.

Moving on.

irritation

2010-01-30T12:09:00.003-05:00

So, after a long week and after a long night, I am sitting at the SLC early Saturday morning having a meeting with some guys. I'm irritated.

This feels too familiar, and in the end, I always end up getting the short end of the stick. Now, don't you think my apathy is understandable?

We are planning for a short film. A romantic comedy of some sorts. They are all discussing the story line, and I'm even more annoyed. Sure this may be fictitious film, but a lot of these ideas are adapted from life experiences.

Some people should take their own advice.

"In the end, you shouldn't always listen to what others say, and just do what you feel is right."

It's ironic to hear that from someone who fails to take his own advice.

complications

2010-01-14T19:31:00.004-05:00

I remember many years ago, I used to overanalyze everything making a very simple situation into a chaotic mess.

I learned now, that it's OKAY to ask friends for help. I don't mind going out of my way for someone that is close to me. Ah. But why can't people understand that it's OKAY to ask me for a favor instead of asking 5 other people and creating this elaborate mess of a situation? Why? Because your feelings are getting in the way? That can be easily remedied. People need to realize that I was a friend first, before a "love" interest.

Times like this, I don't know if I'm up for the complicated relationships. There's not even an "intimate" relationship!

However, it just making me rethink everything. Why am I having more stress living a single life than when I was in a relationship? Ok. I don't want a relationship now; nor do I want to be single. Maybe I should consider celibacy. Hah.

I need someone that's 30 and knows what they want.

compulsive liars

2010-01-05T20:22:00.003-05:00

Remind me not to associate myself with compulsive liars.

Something that ticks me off are people who can't be up front; those that have to hide behind others while attacking. Be a man (or woman) and own up to your own mistakes and inadequacies. If you don't, I sure as hell don't know who will.

Oh, and if you have a problem, please address it directly to me, not while you're cowering behind another person. Mmk? Thanks.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Should've listened to my friends when they said you were shady.

나의 사랑하는 할머니

2009-12-12T02:02:00.004-05:00

Ever since my grandmother was admitted to the hospital, it's been an emotional roller coaster ride for my family. There are many decision to make on behalf of my grandmother, mainly because her health is at a questionable state and she is unable to speak for herself. Just when she was turning for the worst, the next day she perked up. She was placed in a hospice earlier today and is still doing well. Although my own faith has been in question, I cannot help but to think this has to be the work of God. I'm not asking for a complete miracle and have her be wiped away from any health complications (though that'd be nice); rather, I pray and ask others to pray for comfort, healing, and no pain for however long she has left.

It's true that I fail to realize the importance of spending time with family. Let me rephrase: the importance of spending QUALITY time with family until something like this happens. Now, I see family almost everyday. We have been taking shifts throughout the mornings and evenings, switching off every 10-12 hours. Of course, during those shifts, other family members come to spend time with my grandmother and check up on her, especially since the next two weeks have been marked as a high risk period.

I've experienced two premature deaths in my family in the last 9 years and during those times, I learned the importance of spending time with family. We all did. However, I think for a moment too late we forgot. Parents and their children fighting, brothers and sisters not talking to each other... we all spent time with grandma but not enough. I can't make the excuse that I had school an hour away so I was limited to my visits. If I was honest with myself, that's bullshit. I visited her when it was convenient for me. I thought I wasn't so selfish, but I guess I still have a lot more growing up to do.

My entire family has that same weight to carry. Out of 20+ of us, only 4-5 people would make regular visits to see grandmother. Granted, that was all they did. Visit for an hour or so, leave, and come back the next day. My grandmother wakes up at 8AM everyday (probably earlier) and waits until someone visits her after work around 7PM. That was her life for the past 3 years... waiting for someone to come visit her. I want to punch myself because of it. I never thought of it that way. My cousin (who is considered the primary caretaker) usually took the initiative to take grandma out to eat every so often, take her to the doctor for check-ups, take her to get a haircut, and the like. Yet, she even feels like she did not do enough for my grandmother.

Now, grandma seems almost normal. Although that's merely judging from the outside, I can't help but to have hope that she can and will get through this. I mean, doctors gave her a few days when she went to the hospital, then a week, then back to 24 hours, now they say she has 2 weeks. If she gets through two weeks, she may have anywhere from 4 weeks to 1.5 years. This is great news. She's even slowly eating food again, though we cannot overwork her weak kidneys.

My grandmother is my inspiration. Seriously. She's always been. She's become a living testimony to me and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with such a beautiful, caring, loving, and wonderful grandmother.

beyond limits

2009-12-10T15:21:00.003-05:00

Barely any sleep and an 8AM final does not fair well for my already exhausted body. I don't know how I will manage to finish off the semester on a high note if this is how it'll be for the next week.

My eyes are puffy. My legs sore from moving about so much. My heart is in pain.

So what do I do about it? I always told myself to be proactive rather than sit around and complain. However, I have no idea how to remedy these things right now. I can't remedy them right now.

The more I fight and fight and fight and feel like I can push through, I fall. Once again, I'm left at this awkward phase wanting something I cannot have.

I've become an object once again and it kills.

reconnect

2009-11-29T23:11:00.003-05:00

Today, I went over to HJ's apartment for the first time since his birthday. I had to drop off a few things for him and ask for a favor. While waiting for my negatives to get done at the Rite Aid down the street, I sat down and caught up with him. Mind you, this was probably the first instance of sitting down and talking together since our breakup. I wouldn't be surprised if he just held his tongue during the 30 minutes we sat down next to each other making small talk. I wouldn't be surprised if he really didn't care to talk to me; but, I wanted to. Selfish? Perhaps. But after the incident this past week, I really did want someone to talk to.

As much as I was a mess after we parted ways, and as angry as I was towards him, I'm at peace. Bottom line is, I think I'm ready to be a friend to him, though I'm unsure if he feels the same way. I mean, he was the one that wanted to maintain our friendship, yet never did.

Maybe the mishap with rent + wrong credit card was the start of it. Maybe this was God's humor playing around. Whatever it was, I think I grew up just a bit.

I don't expect much. Not rekindling nor a close friendship, but taking a few small steps at a time as an effort to reconnect with an old best friend.

I don't know why I'm about to tear up while writing this. Possibly happy tears of a long anticipated breakthrough of some sort. I missed him - not as a significant other, but as a friend.

I think I'll trust where God leads me on this one.

thanksgiving

2009-11-26T11:50:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Dinner went by so quickly, but it was quite the feast! I really do hope mother brought some leftovers. We had 25 people and enough leftovers for at least 15 more people.

This year is a little different than the others. I have no idea why, but it just feels different.

However...

I am thankful that my family (especially my cousins and I) have gotten closer to one another over the past few years. I feel as though I struggle with the same things they once struggled with. Every time I talk with them, I don't feel as though I'm so different. I don't wonder why I think certain things or act a certain way. Maybe, just maybe, that's how my family rolls.

I love the friends that have stuck by me. They continue to love and care for me as a sister and give me the brutal, honest truth when I need it. I consider it such a blessing to have such friends in my life. And the great thing? I know they will always have my back and not betray me; because they have and continue to do so.

I'm thankful for the new friends I've made in the past few weeks. They have been a tremendous joy to me. Especially friends that pray for me every single night, whether it's over the phone or in person. I may not be where I want to be with God, but believe me, I am being challenged day after day by being with this community of people.

...

This Thanksgiving evening ended on a strange note. I had a friend confess his feelings to me - strong ones at that (prospect of marriage and kids). This friend has been praying for me and with me daily. I spend time with him to learn more about who he is, and I have yet to say anything negative. He has his heart set on God and lives everyday as a humble servant. Needless to say, it's been a blessing for me.

However, I could not return the feelings; at least for the time being. After HJ, my heart has been a bit cold. I lost touch with God and with myself. But really, it was a serious relationship and one that I learned to love someone, though it seems he was more of a stranger. But, I felt like I was an object and nothing more. I was someone to satisfy sinful desires and be around for the sake of company. I can't blame him. I wasn't being strong for myself to stand up to it all. Every time I knew we were wrong, I didn't say anything. It was the desire in my heart to be loved, and I did what I could to receive it. Selfish me. I deserved to be heartbroken.

I need to get my life back on the road. I've fallen off the side and trying to push my way back on route. I don't want to jump into another relationship merely because he is showing me affection and love. There's still lingering issues in my heart that I need to settle before I can consider a relationship again.

But, I'm glad someone can see my heart. It's not always about thinking objectively, but taking into consideration someone's subjective thoughts as well.

first date

2009-11-23T01:08:00.002-05:00

So, tonight after taking photos for Falling/Rising, I went to dinner with a friend I met at Ignite last weekend. Nothing going on. Just a simple dinner... though you may consider it a "first date".

After talking with him, I shared a bit of my life as of now. The good, the bad, the previous struggles, and such. I kept it real with him, but didn't open up as I used to. We talked mainly about faith, church, God, and relationships with others. It was refreshing to talk to someone about such topics - mainly because it's been probably about a year since doing so; but also because I needed a reality check.

Long story short. This guy is a living testimony that God is working and alive.

While we're both just getting to know each other, I look forward to our "second date" this Friday. I'm being challenged the more I talk with him, and though I may not be in the place to "lead" anyone's faith life, I think we're complimenting each other well enough to start a friendship/accountability.

pre-break outing

2009-11-20T03:30:00.001-05:00

Another crazy and fun night out with the roommates and friends. I love meeting new people. :)

This is probably the last week I'm going out until after finals. Plus, it's pre-Thanksgiving break.

Pictures to come. :)

ooooh wee!

2009-11-16T23:53:00.001-05:00

I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait!

Next week is going to be amazing!

Ladies night out

2009-11-13T02:22:00.001-05:00

WOO!

Crazy night out at NRB with some of the ladies... and man. ;)

I don't care-e-e-e-e-e!

richer

2009-11-12T02:56:00.002-05:00

I'm $6 richer tonight (Maybe $4).

The roommates and I decided to go out to a friends apartment to celebrate his newly purchased Wii console... which we didn't even play. Instead, we had Rockband 2 on XBOX 360 and Mario Kart 64 on the N64.

I always knew I was good at Mario Kart 64, although it has been many years since I've played it. I played 4v4 racing with 3 other GUYS. They didn't know what they had coming. They figured, "Oh, she's a girl, she doesn't need to put any money in the bet but she can have it IF she wins."

Cocky boys. Don't you know I reign champion in Mario Kart 64*?

*Please note the difference when thinking about any other Mario Kart.

Needless to say, I beat them the first time around. They decided to bet again, and what do you know? I win again. :)

Teehee. What a nice end to my evening.

On another note, I don't condone betting. I just know my limits - AKA knowing when to walk away after a win. :)

Good night, loves.

dream

2009-11-08T20:24:00.003-05:00

My awesome haircut. I absolutely love it.

Finally got to go stargazing. I never knew the moon light was so bright.

Pier by the lake. Moonlight. Countless stars. Great company. Perfection.

someday I'll fly away

2009-11-05T00:50:00.007-05:00

... and leave all this to yesterday.

50mm f/1.4

The nights are getting colder. I'm loving it. I want to go to my secret getaway in Athens, lay down in the field and star gaze while shivering from the cold, and be in good company of another person. Just talk about life and well... nonsense. Though it sounds much like I'm a hopeless romantic, I really love doing stuff like that. The long walks on a beach, quietly sipping on coffee at a cafe while exchanging a few words here and there, and just... being in good company.

There's so much that I want to do; so much I want to share with people; yet, I rarely find anyone that truly understands this side of me and is willing to enjoy these kinds of things with me. So what if we just sit in silence for a while? Enjoy the company. I believe in silent conversations. Sometimes you can understand someone in silence more than when they open their mouths. Verbally conversing may be intellectually stimulating, which most people want, but silent observation can eventually bring about the same stimulus to oneself - which in turn can be spoken about at a later time. Kind of like thinking before you speak. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I look forward to this weekend. Possibly see some faces I haven't seen in a while. Reminisce, maybe. Talk about random things. Talk about years ago. Nothing extravagant - but, simplicity, you know?

I also look forward to next weekend in Chattanooga. It's nice getting away from the bustle of this huge city of Atlanta; as well as getting away from the stresses in Athens. I just need to get away from the typical routine, people, places. I want something new. Something refreshing - where no one else knows who I am; where I don't have to worry about running into people and acquaintances everywhere I go; where I can just be myself.

Why am I still up?

I'm probably getting tired, though I don't feel it. Sometimes, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts wanting to be released in some form of talking or writing. In this case, it's the latter since the former would just make me look crazy considering there is no human body here with me; though Junior is sometimes quite the listener. Either way, people would think I'm crazy ranting to a dog at 1:30AM, and though I love the boy, I'm not that crazy... yet. Hah.

Sometimes I just miss being comfortable, yet so uncomfortable. Being happy, yet miserable at the same time. Feeling like things were really settling, only to be unsettling in the end.

Where are my friends when I need them?

Probably asleep like normal people should be.

Stop overanalyzing your thoughts, Ivy. How many times have I told you?

Good night, loves.

Hallow's Eve Bash!

2009-10-31T12:16:00.006-04:00

Wow, I woke up after nearly 9.5 hours! Must've been tired.

Now at my cousin's house for some chili, nachos, beer, and the GA v. FL game!
GOOOOO DAWGS! Sic em'!

Chris was so drunk! hahaha.

Chris as Reno 911 officer

1/5 of the crowd.

The host of the night getting friendly with Chris

Mindy aka Audrey Hepburn 'looking' at my butt

Jungeun and John as Popeye and Olive Oyl

Minhyun aka the host as Inspector Gadget & Popeye

Audrey Hepburn + Lady Gaga

Monica as Amy Winehouse + me as Lady Gaga

Joon as a penguin

My FAVE costume/act of the night. Dan as Alan from the movie Hangover

Becca as Donkey from Shrek!

Dan + the host of the night half naked. Both GONE!

crazy

2009-10-31T02:37:00.003-04:00

what a crazy evening. i'm pretty buzzzzzzzzzeed. :P

party was so fun... though it started getting fairly awkward when people got all touch feely. none of that shit man!

pictures sooooooon.!

mmm good night, loves.

hallow's eve

2009-10-30T11:19:00.003-04:00

Glad I stayed in Athens, though the party was pretty dramatic. House party + cops + idiotic boys/girls/young bucks thinking they're the shit = wack end to the night. Good thing I lived next door. I just walked to my apartment and called it a night. I hate people that try to act all badass and ruin these kinds of nights. Ah. But I must say it was pretty amusing to watch.

Just because you're older doesn't mean you deserve respect. You earn your respect from others, don't think that shit is automatically given to you. Age means SHIT if you're immature and disregard others. If you're younger, don't try to act all badass in front of your friends saying, "Oh, I wish he came back! I don't care if he's older, I'll fuckin' shut him up." Then, when the guy returns, you cower. Sometimes confrontation is needed, but there's a difference with confronting someone and ending it versus confronting someone and continuing to provoke it by saying things like that young buck said above. Once the situation has been spoken about, LEAVE IT.

Anyways. I digress.

All in all, it was fun for the most part.

But!

Tonight is the night!

Meeting up Bo to get a haircut. Maybe a late lunch/early dinner with him. Then going to Minhyun Oppa's house. Can't wait for that! :)

Lady Gaga

2009-10-28T19:34:00.004-04:00

I decided to be Lady Gaga this Halloween. My costume is about 90% done. Just have to make the awesome mirror mask from the "Poker Face" MV.

I'm thinking of going blonde. What do you think? haha.

study break

2009-10-27T21:02:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here attempting to study for my art history test. Honestly, I'm pretty distracted. Maybe it's the thought of fall break a few days away and all the Halloween parties Thursday - Saturday. I'll probably stay in Saturday night considering everyone else will most likely be at Compound. I'll pass on that one, thank you.

In terms of progress in studies, I'm probably about 30%. I probably shouldn't have taken such a long nap earlier this afternoon, but the rain is so serene! The sound of it immediately puts me into a deep slumber. But, I did much of the important stuff last night until 3AM. Now, it's all about memorizing. My goal? Just to do better than my previous test. I need to see SOME kind of improvement.

Ah. This weather. Makes me want to reminisce. Probably shouldn't, but man.. there were some great times.

cheers!

2009-10-21T20:38:00.002-04:00

Tonight was the open house for the photography department. It was filled with people, food, and lots to drink (wine and beer). I love "open bars" at the art school. I would've stayed later and drank til' my hearts content, but ah... had to come home to watch America's Next Top Model. Shucks. Hey, at least I got four prints done!

Drinking with the interns, professors, and classmates makes printing so much more exciting on these kinds of evenings. :)

I'm in a good mood. Maybe because I had a few drinks. Maybe since I'm 40% done with my project that's due in 2 weeks (which is a GREAT head start, btw). Maybe because I'm home watching the next episode of ANTM. Maybe because I finally get to relax. Either way. Cheers to a great evening!

preview

2009-10-20T23:42:00.006-04:00

Love is patient, love is kind...

2009-10-18T21:05:00.000-04:00

Driving back to Athens.

What a long long day.

I can tell my arm is going to be very sore tomorrow.

lie to me

2009-10-17T22:59:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you think you know someone, but in actuality, they are not who you initially perceived them to be. Maybe I was at fault for thinking idealistically; or maybe it's theirs for deceiving me.

In short, I hate shady people. I'd rather people be REAL with me than to beat around the bush. I'd rather people tell me straight up "no" rather than having them say "yes" and not following through. BIGGEST pet peeve. What's more ironic? They know that I hate it.

When asked about certain things, they just flat out lie. How do I know? Because I have eyes and ears all around the damn place. Initially, I wanted to think of the best, but now I don't have time to deal with it.

If you love drama and carry that shit around with you wherever you go, do me a favor and spare me; don't give that shit to me. Also, I'm not going to end my relations with you, but until you get your life drama matters straightened out, don't expect me to go out of MY way to be a friend when you don't reciprocate.

Friendship is a TWO-WAY FUCKIN STREET.

If you're not going to give me a light of day, don't expect a damn thing from me.

small photo update

2009-10-15T22:14:00.006-04:00

So, today I drove to SCAD-Atlanta to register for the SPE conference that I have to attend to tomorrow morning. The drive from Athens was quite slow, but somewhat tranquil. Maybe it was the rain + semi-cold weather. It wasn't so dreadful because Junior was keeping me company for most of the way. Here's Junior from the other day:

A dog can't get cuter than that. Plus, he's been an angel since he's been in Athens. No more accidents in the house (or bed for that matter), and he's got his potty routine down. He even poops on command! What a smart dog. I love him. :)

Afterwards, I surprised my mom at her office. While going to the embassy, I couldn't help but to stand around outside of Peachtree St. It's been years since I've walked around there. Definitely around the 15 years mark. It's funny how some things haven't changed, like Hard Rock Cafe and Steak and Ale (whatever happened to that chain? It used to be everywhere!).

I took a snapshot outside of Peachtree Center.

Ah, something about fresh rain and the city... this kinda reminds me of NY, minus the hill. :P

On another note, can't wait to go to New York again!

merrong

2009-10-13T20:54:00.003-04:00

What an evening! I honestly haven't done much today, but I feel as though I've been extremely productive. Maybe because I was out from 11AM until 6:30PM. Went to class, then the dog park, went to lunch with a friend, and just hung out until 6:30PM. Now, I'm at home watching the season finale of Hell's Kitchen. I hope Kevin wins! :)

I'm in the mood for a movie. Though, I should be preparing for my advising appointment. Oh well. :P

love

2009-10-11T21:23:00.005-04:00

The greatest disease is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.

Love sees past imperfections; it makes up for mistakes.

another day

2009-10-08T11:50:00.003-04:00

I think I'm going to watch Rent today. Although it's a beautiful day, I need some inspiration

Rent, to me, is so inspirational. A group of friends, lovers, artists all living the true bohemian life. They live day by day working (or not working) around the clock barely meeting their everyday needs, such as food or in this case, rent. They are the epitome of what we call "starving artists" and in some way, I kind of want to live in their shoes. They may worry about their circumstances, but they don't let it get to them. They live life without regrets and look forward to another day.

there's only us

there's only this

forget regret

or life is yours to miss

no other road

no other way

no day but today

Be inspired.

2009-10-08T01:42:00.003-04:00

I desire things that I can't have.

...

Why does it feel like someone is strangling me? Someone has tied these heavy chains around me and it's pulling me down.

I've never felt so alone...

rejuvenation

2009-10-06T20:10:00.002-04:00

As the semester comes to a midpoint, I'm finding it more difficult to get myself to go to classes. It also doesn't help that the weather is getting colder and staying under my bed covers seems much more appealing than going outside to class.

When I'm in the photo lab for hours upon hours each night, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with frustration. Why didn't I just finished my Marketing major and be done with this place? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving Athens because it's my home away from home. It's my getaway from family and Atlanta; but the frustrations come knowing this is not my place. I don't belong here.

I'm too comfortable with familiarity. That's my problem. Though, I am very well capable of adapting to a new place and meeting new people, I choose not to. Why should I when everything is somewhat "settled?"

I remember when I was younger, before I knew how to swim, my dad attempted to toss me into the 10ft end of the pool. I fought and cried and of course won over my dad's playfulness, thus being saved from potentially drowning. Even now, I'm terrified of the deep end of the pool. Now, I feel like I need to toss myself into the deeper waters because I'll stay too comfortable in the shallower end. What I'm trying to say in the midst of this bad analogy is: I need to challenge myself instead of being complacent of where I am.

Give me something new.. please?

The last print of the night came out. Finally. Time to go eat.

2009-10-05T00:25:00.000-04:00

happy 24th to jay.

2009-10-01T22:47:00.003-04:00

I feel like things are slowly going back to normal.

Slowly.

We'll see.

deserted

2009-09-30T22:31:00.002-04:00

For the first evening, the color photo lab is completely empty. I have the entire place to myself so no fighting for the developer or waiting in line to get my prints into the machine.

It's getting pretty chilly in here. Wish I brought a jacket or hoodie or something.

Ah, but I can't wait to leave so I can go get some food and tend to my baby, Junior.

Well look here, my last print for the night is out and done. Time to go home.

my diagnosis

2009-09-29T19:42:00.002-04:00

Benzonatate & Loratadine

I slept for a good 10.5 hours yesterday. Woke up for class today and spent all of class outside on the intramural fields, along with Junior. I think getting fresh air helped, but regardless, I decided to go to the health center just to be sure I didn't get the swine flu or something awful.

Turns out it was just a flu.. or something of the likes. Got some prescription meds and allergy medicine. I hope I didn't develop allergies. That'd suck.

Took Junior to the dog park, and he had a blast. Don't think being out in the cold, dusty dog park really helped my symptoms, but I had fun. :)

Time to do some catching up on my work and watch Hell's Kitchen. I should probably eat something, but man, I don't feel like getting up.

miserable

2009-09-28T10:35:00.004-04:00

Funs times always seem to come with consequences in Athens.

Friday night was the Loft, Raw Bar, hookah, and waffle house until 5:30AM with Bo and his Lambda boys.

Saturday was filled with an early lunch with the boys, watched Pandorum at the theater w/ Bo, ran in the rain, Choo Choo's, back home for Shawshank Redemption, and yet another night out at hookah with a few of the Lambda boys; then coming home to feed the boys until nearly 5AM.

Sunday was my off day. Cooked a semi-baked spaghetti from scratch + guacamole, fed about 7 people while watching The Boondock Saints. The rest of the evening was filled with laughs, mockery, youtube, stories, and the like. Needless the say, the "evening" ended at 6AM this morning.

The weekend was crazy, fun, and hilarious. I don't remember laughing this hard in a while. Ah. But my body can't hold this going out thing anymore. It's gradually taking a heavy toll. I developed some throat irritation last night and 4.5 hours later it feels worse. I can't swallow anything without this burning sensation. My back is tensed up.

I need to go to the gym today. Racquetball perhaps...

I feel like my ailments are from my lack of exercise. Time to get healthy.

crazy

2009-09-27T05:14:00.003-04:00

Another night out with friends.

I love meeting new people. Tonight was pretty stress relieving, other than the fact I was trying to cook for 3 hungry boys after all the festivities at 4AM.

Now, I'm stuck with a snorer. My goodness. Can't kick him or push him off the bed, but man.. looks like I won't be sleeping much again.

P.U.S.H.

2009-09-25T16:52:00.003-04:00

Pray Until Something Happens.

Times get hard. Life gets hard. The Christian life is hard.

It is important to press on, or push oneself despite what comes up. God never gives one more than they can handle.

Many people face different adversities; my life isn't a yellow brick road either. Often times, I want to throw my hands in the air and admit defeat. Quite frankly, I think I do so more often than not. Perhaps it's because I don't want to deal with it, especially after it prolongs itself. Well, in whatever reasonable circumstance, giving up shouldn't be an option at all.

Just because life gets hard doesn't mean you should throw everything aside and not do anything. Pray until something happens. I know that I, as one person, cannot do everything even if I wanted to. When I see people hurting or facing difficult times, I wish with all my heart that I could offer something to ease their suffering. Unfortunately, I can't do much. I won't even say that I can understand what they are going through - because quite frankly, I will never being able to comprehend on their level. Why? Because I am not them. I may be able to relate to a certain degree, but I won't fully understand.

Fortunately though, I have the power of prayer. Everyone has it. Pray until something happens. That's the only thing I have to offer. God's heart breaks when he sees his children suffering. In the same way, my heart is broken for those that are going through rough times - and I hope it's the same way for others.

James 1:2-5
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

P.U.S.H.

back in action

2009-09-24T14:02:00.004-04:00

So, today was quite restful. I decided to stay home from class and take a breather for myself; also considering today's class was nothing but watching videos. Sorry, I'd much rather stay home and watch TV and/or tend to other important things, thank you very much (for wasting my tuition money for nonsensical lessons).

I'll probably go out and take some photos today. It's a beautiful day, and I must take full advantage of it before the storm clouds move back in. I have some great conceptual ideas running through my head that needs out. Hopefully they turn out on film as I picture them in my head.

Time for lunch!

Goodbye, loves.

charter sucks

2009-09-23T09:54:00.003-04:00

I spent most of yesterday cleaning my room while the internet was down. Laundry, vacuuming, dustings, and the likes. I feel like I can actually breathe in my room now.

Then for the first time in a very long time, I watched TV all evening. Hell's Kitchen, The Biggest Loser, Fox 5 News. It was relaxing, to say the least. :)

J has come down with a fever of some sort. Worries me. Probably will drive down today to go see him if he doesn't feel any better.

I hope the rain stays away. I don't want to be greeted with flood waters when I drive this weekend.

night shift

2009-09-16T23:33:00.008-04:00

Justin Noh at QT

taken with Canon EOS A2E w/ Fuji 160 ISO

Sometimes, I just wonder about the circumstances that I am placed in. What could be the reasoning. Why do I continue to wrestle with my inner self when I thought I had myself all figured out? Why does getting older only make life a bit more complex?

I feel as if I will stay young forever. 23 feels the same as 18, minus the some situational differences. I've grown as an individual; however, I don't feel like there is a crazy distinction. Maybe since I'm looking at myself. I'm sure others see the difference.

I can't continue to live like I'm 18. What are the priorities in my life at this point?

Finish school. Find a job and/or go to graduate school. Get married (hopefully). Have kids (hopefully). Life a long and happy life.... hopefully.

Wishful thinking at 23? Perhaps. I just can't wait for those things to actually happen.

bon nuit.

23 years

2009-09-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

I remember when birthday's were fun. I'd look forward to it every year, but now it's lost much of its appeal. I'm not old (yet), but I don't quite see the fun in getting older.

Then again, I'm hoping I'll enjoy being 23 for the next 12 months. Maybe something spectacular will happen. Maybe something dreadful. Regardless, I'm prepared to face whatever challenges and surprises lie ahead.

Now, must start reading art history. What a great way to kick off this 23rd year of living. :)

family love

2009-09-11T16:31:00.007-04:00

So my older cousin asked me to burn him a couple of CD's, and he emailed today wanting a revision in the playlist. Here's the email he sent me. His closing gave me a nice chuckle. :)

Ivy,

Please take out song "Forget about Dre. by Dr. Dre Feat/ Eminem and put in......."written on her" by Jay Sean featuring Birdman.

Thanks and i will see you saturday.

Love,

The best of all best, freshest of all fresh, the beast of all beast oppa in the world

getaway

2009-09-10T13:39:00.012-04:00

"My Getaway"

taken Fall 2008

It's a fairly overcast day, and I'm absolutely loving it. There's something about walking around East Campus on days like this. There's a slight breeze that leaves me in a state of serenity. I have so much to do in the next few weeks, yet I'm curious about my surprisingly calm nature in the midst of it all. Granted, this may not last for long (come the end of the week); however, why not enjoy it while I can?

I remember going to the abandoned barn pictured above last fall. Very few people know about it, which I like. It's my mini-getaway here in Athens. I'd like to have one place where I can go for semi-complete solitude. I have the company of the cows, birds, and the few people that come around the area for maintenance. I was actually disheartened to see that they put up a fence all around the barn when I went a few weeks ago. At least I can still enjoy the other things around it (another barn of some sort is a few steps away).

I feel like I'm losing some of my photographic inspiration. I haven't been feeding it well, and my camera has been neglected for some time now. I yearn to get out and take photos, but of what? There's so much more to see, yet I'm already feeling defeated. I think I need another mini-vacation of some sort. I need to explore and get inspired! Sometimes I feel as though I'm too complacent. It's true. But what better way to fix the problem than to go out and explore.

I'm pretty hungry now. Time to eat then head to the lab for yet another attempt at developing pictures. My goal? Have a total of 5 developed by the end of this week.

lesson #1

2009-09-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

People don't always have your best interests in mind.

No matter who the person is, they will always want to save themselves first before thinking of the effects on the other party. More often than not, they will save themselves from the fire and let the other person burn. When you put your hand on something hot, what is the natural reaction? To pull away of course. Isn't that natural instinct?

So I know humans have a basic instinct. Most people (and let me reiterate "most") have good intentions. They don't intend on hurting other people if they can help it. If anything, they strive to look out for the better of their peers.

However, I do believe that humans are far too intellectual to go solely on basic instinct. We have defined thought patterns and are very conscious beings.

It is one thing to save yourself, but it's a totally different idea to save yourself when you've thrown another person out of the boat who had no fault. This is when the innate human reaction should be questioned and then thought through rationally. "Crap. I just threw someone overboard for nothing! I better pull them back in."

Sometimes it's too late. Some drown before the assailant realizes their mistake; others make it out, but scarred for a long time.

I'm never one to throw someone off the boat without getting my stuff straightened out first. I'm just surprised people take advantage of that. Apparently people don't truly know me. I can be nice, but as soon as you attack me - I'm ready to fight back.

I've been thrown overboard, under the bus, whatever the hell you want to call it... I'm scarred and bruised, but you know what? I'm still alive and kicking.

too much

2009-09-08T00:14:00.001-04:00

Why am I always panned out to be the bad person? Why do I end up feeling inadequate? I hate this.

My heart aches because I feel like I lost a good friend because of some other people. Maybe I shouldn't have listened, but what else can I do when it hits me so suddenly? When all this stuff is thrown out by people I just met? I wonder if they truly have MY best interests in mind.

People wonder why I don't have many friends. I just don't know who to trust anymore.

I hope I didn't lose someone that I genuinely care for. CARE. Not past tense.

Damn. It hurts.

excitement

2009-09-02T10:09:00.004-04:00

Jay and myself after my haircut and his ear piercing

I've been keeping myself fairly busy over the past few weeks. It's been refreshing, to say the least. I've done things in a two weeks span that would normally be done within years of each other. Let's just say I'm glad I have someone that can keep up with my spontaneity.

On the other hand, this haircut is truly the best and worst decision I've made. It's surprisingly low maintenance; however, I can't do a damn thing with it! I wake up in the morning with the urge to tie it up but find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I look like such a boy. Hair always looks good the day they actually cut/style it, but afterwards, it's a down hill trek.

I've been neglecting my blog, all while my thoughts run amuck in my head. I think I'm enjoying myself too much - the excitement and joy that has overwhelmed me these days - of course in a good way.

Time to eat, before someone kills me.

au revoir, loves.

i want out

2009-08-26T23:59:00.002-04:00

I just want to go more than a week without having to deal with you. Until I hear an apology, I won't forgive you.

I can't believe I wasted my time.

serendipity

2009-08-19T17:09:00.006-04:00

In April 2008, I met a guy through a mutual friends. He had recently moved to Georgia and came out for a friend's birthday not really knowing anyone. Considering everyone else was too preoccupied or intoxicated, I introduced myself. We danced, laughed, and exchanged a few words throughout the night - I felt attracted to him. In an attempt to gain a bit more insight on his character, I rode with him to a 24/7 Korean restaurant and began small conversations. We hit it off well at the restaurant, exchanged numbers, and I was already anticipating our next meeting.

I didn't see him until month later; we exchanged smiles and danced the night away. Later on in that evening, certain events turned the night sour. In the midst of all the chaos, I ended up leaving abruptly without saying goodbye. If I had known that would have been the last I'd see of him for over a year, I'd have done things differently.

In the following months, we spoke a few times on the phone, but never met since he was busy working and lived an hour south of me in Tyrone, GA. Eventually, his number changed and I lost complete contact with him. When school started in the fall, it was difficult for me to consider visiting him, and soon thereafter, I found myself in a relationship.

In December 2008, I received a random phone call from him. We briefly spoke and brought up the prospect of meeting up. Of course it never happened since we were both in a relationship, and driving more than an hour to see a friend may have seemed questionable to the significant other. A few months later, he changed his number again, and I lost contact with him once again.

Fast forward to the summer. My best friend, Jihae, began to work in Palmetto, GA, which neighbors Tyrone, GA. She was desperately needing a place to stay, so I decided to take my chances and call up the guy. It was the wrong number. After going through several sources, I finally got his number (through FB!). Nervous, I called and asked him if my friend could stay at his place for a few days until she got her own apartment. It was funny, because he was moving the following weekend and said he would change his one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom to accommodate my friend. Thrilled, I immediately set up a date to come by and see the new place.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit and while Jihae went to work, I decided to hang out with the guy to catch up. I didn't have expectations other than to reacquaint myself with him and catch up on the past year. We spent nearly 4 hours sitting at a Chocolate Pink Cafe talking, enjoying coffee and cupcakes, and sometimes sitting in silence. Afterwards we went to Serenbe for one of the best dinners/cocktails I've had in a while.

During that time, we decided to take a spontaneous trip to Savannah/Tybee Island. We didn't intend on going alone, however, when the next two days rolled around, everyone else decided not to go. It didn't matter. We went, ate great food, relaxed at the beach and pool for 5 hours, ate a fantastic dinner, and took a stroll down Riverstreet. Such a romantic, yet bittersweet time.

Over the course of the week, we began to talk more often. His best friend from Chattanooga came to town for a night and so we all had dinner together, and I took them out to Brickstore Pub to meet some other friends of mine. We all had a great time. It was quite a change to see someone so willing to meet my closest friends.

He just kinda popped back into the picture after 1.5 years. It's almost like picking up where we left off.

Say hello to Jay.

officially over

2009-08-15T18:58:00.004-04:00

So the ties with the ex are gone now. The sublease is over, he returned my keys, and I've changed everything back to my name. As broken as I became after we ended, I feel like my life has been returned. I no longer have to believe his lies. I don't have to deal with his bullshit.

I learned to love a stranger and it's sad. It should've ended during spring break when he fucked up. I was such a fool.

"He's a Class-A asshole. I am one too, but I'm class-C."

I chuckled when my friend said that last night. He was right. Why the hell did I have to compromise the things I loved and the people I cared for merely because he didn't care for them?

I remember when he told me, "I want you do be more independent and do things for yourself without me."

It's ironic because he never wanted to invest his time in things I wanted to do, other than photography. I like the simple things: long walks on the beach, cafe talks, visiting new places, holding hands and walking around campus, meeting with my friends. It's nearly been a year and he has met my closest friends 1-2 times. Not even kidding. I still can't believe it.

"Hey, can we take a walk on campus?"

"No."

"Can we go to a cafe and just hang out and talk?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Can we visit ___ since we're in the area?"

"It's late."

"Why don't you come meet my friends? You're 5 min. away."

"Maybe another time."

I can only remember a handful of times when he did something that I wanted to do and I don't want to discredit that; however, I truly feel like the sacrifice I made to make this relationship work was so great compared to him.

Ivy, you don't try hard enough. You rely too much on alcohol when you get angry. You need to make better friends. You think too subjectively. You do this or that.

Well SHIT. How the hell would he know. He was NEVER there. Really. He was never there to see me with my dog at home when I do actually train him. He claims I drank more than one beer that night at Taco Mac when I drank half of one with a friend. He thinks I need better friends when he's never even met my friends. I think too subjectively? No. I just like to tell him how I feel when he constantly say things that make me feel inadequate.

At least I can hold my pride and apologize when I upset him. When he upsets me, he always has excuses and turns it back to me.. and when I begin to feel bad and apologize, he'll then apologize afterwards. Why not man up and throw the words out first?

Forgiveness and trust do not go hand in hand in maintaining friendships. I forgave him for all his crap. Does that mean I trust him? No.

At this point, if he ever wants my friendship, he better go over and beyond and apologize to me FIRST for all the crap he did. Knowing his personality, it'll probably never happen. That's what happens when you're too prideful to admit that you were wrong.

Moving on.

summer romance

2009-08-13T22:25:00.002-04:00

It's like in the movies...

a little mix of "Serendipity" and "The Notebook."

snippet

2009-08-04T23:40:00.004-04:00

"I loved her, Lord. I loved her enough to die for her, and she did this to me. Maybe she's beyond redemption. How do you forgive someone who doesn't even care enough to want to be forgiven?"

6 hour conversations

2009-07-28T12:29:00.004-04:00

Last night, I talked with a friend for 6 hours over the phone, and for about 3 hours, we spoke passionately about church.

She got me thinking (and I will blog again once I organize those thoughts), some Christians have got it all wrong. They appear to be all there, but somewhere down the road, their ideology/theology got twisted. I don't say this to judge, because I admit that I have my share of mistakes, but my friend mentioned many reasons as to why she doesn't like church, and I couldn't help but to feel ashamed. She wasn't directly referring to me; but still, to know I'm still part of a community that fails to see that they are casting away people from the church is humbling on my part.

Church is for sinners - those that are oppressed, those seeking Truth, the lost, and the poor. We are ALL imperfect human beings, yet why do we cast a stone on those that we feel are "more" imperfect? Why do we drive them away?

I'm very upset. What has the Body of Christ been doing all this time?

Reminds me so much of John 4. The woman at the well. The story of MY life.

I need to pray about this. I'm extremely unsettled.

that's what friends are for

2009-07-25T17:57:00.005-04:00

When I'm in trouble physically, emotionally, financially... one friend has been there for me. We've only known each other about 1.5 years, but he is truly a friend. No strings attached, and no matter what assumptions people may have. This goes for both parties, not just myself.

When I had my knee problem; when I got into my car accident; when I couldn't pay for my rent - he was always the first to help me, regardless if I refused or not, the thought was there and I'm entirely grateful for it.

I remember we would work out 3-4 days out of the week last summer, that is until I got this knee problem (that apparently has not healed). I could barely walk, and when I did, it was intense pain. Not long after, a group of us went on a road trip up to NYC, Atlantic City, DC, Philly, and Baltimore. We walked tons during that trip which didn't help the knee. During that time, however, my friend asked me how I was doing and offered a helping hand regularly. It may seem simple, but I was grateful for the concern - especially since I felt like I was taking the fun out of the trip, being handicapped and all.

A few months before that, I was driving back to Athens around 2AM after bowling with some friends. I was talking to him on the phone to keep myself from falling asleep. Then, I hit a deer in mid-conversation. While I was going hysterical, he attempted to keep me sane. That week, knowing how miserable and shaken up I was, he came to visit me in Athens three days in a row (as well as some other friends). What a trooper!

A few weeks afterwards, we were talking once again about school and majors when I realized I had to pay for my speeding ticket the following week. The parents didn't know at the time and while I was stressing, he offered to lend me the money to pay it. I immediately rejected it, but thanked him for the thought. Then fast forward another year and I found myself unable to pay rent for my apartment. He offered and insisted on helping me this time around. He literally wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

It's funny. We don't even talk/hang out as much as we used to, but it always so happens that he is there when these crazy things happen to me. It's actually pretty ridiculous now that I think about it.

You know, some people may think there are underlying motives in our friendship, but there really isn't. We discussed long ago that we were strictly friends - 오빠 동생 사이. You could say we had a DTR. We were both in relationships with other people, yet we still maintained our friendship, of course being mindful and not giving other's the wrong idea.

I remember my dad talking to me once and saying this, "Consider yourself blessed and successful to be able to count your closest friends on one hand."

Looks like I'm already on a good track. :)

Harry Potter Marathon

2009-07-23T00:28:00.003-04:00

I am spending nearly 12 hours of my life trying to do this Harry Potter marathon. I just got home from watching #3 and 4 with Joshua. Poor boy fell asleep. I came over to watch the fifth one with him and didn't even get to since it got pretty late.

Anyhow, while watching the fourth one (pictured above), I couldn't help but to be slightly disgusted at how much the characters grew up in a span of four years. It's a HUGE difference from the first movie until the 4th - but I can't even imagine how they are in the newest one. Blech. They are no longer cute.

Well, at least I'm keeping myself busy on these "off" days of mine. Maybe I should watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy after this. I mean, I'm on quite a roll with these movies. People always gasp when I tell them I haven't seen (insert any popular movie title here). Now, when people make these references to movies that I never understand, maybe I can join in or even make some references myself.

On a different note, I've been pretty happy for the last couple weeks. Friends that I haven't seen in years have come back to visit. My prayer life is going well; my relationship with God has been getting back on track. It's amazing the difference it makes to really trust in the Lord when you are faced with various struggles and temptations.

welcome to reality

2009-07-21T02:08:00.004-04:00

So, I wonder why I am here, sitting at another bar in Athens. This nightlife has become so mundane, but I still find myself mingling and meeting new people. A few hours into the night, I get a random phone call.

It's him.

"Uh. Hello? Why are you calling me? I thought we weren't talking."

He then replied, "Come meet me at the studio in an hour."

Uneasy, I shifted back and forth in my chair, and after a moment of hesitation, I agreed.

Upon hanging up the phone, I began to carry on a few conversations with some people sitting at the bar. I somehow managed to meet the manager of a business, and we spoke of a job prospect for me. Excited, I continued engaging in the conversation and soon lost track of time. I looked at my watch and realized I was very late. I quickly closed my tab and set off to meet him.

As I was walking to the studio, I received a phone call.

"Hello? Is this Ivy? I'm calling about your studio reservation.."

I was confused. "Excuse me? You must be mistaken. I never reserved a studio. He's the one that told me to come there."

"Yes, I know. He reserved a studio tonight for $360 under your name. He had an event set up for you, but you never showed." The voice continued, "He waited for you for 3 hours..."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran to the studio. It was closed. Without a second thought, I ran to his apartment. I ran down the steep hill only to find an empty parking lot and his bedroom light turned off. Where could he be at this late hour? He must be feeling miserable.

I waited, pacing back and forth in the dark night, tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry. Just come home, please. I couldn't help but to break down. It was a heart-wrenching feeling. I kept yelling his name over and over again...

...

and then I woke up. Heart racing. Breathing heavily. What was that dream? What was it all about?

I prayed long and hard all day. God, I know it was just a dream, but I'm feeling uneasy. I'm sure there is no meaning behind it, but please give me peace.

splurge

2009-07-18T22:19:00.003-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I was able to splurge on... me. I haven't really bought myself anything that I wanted in a long time. I always find myself buying other's something because I find joy in seeing others happy and excited. Now, I can do things for myself from time to time.

I'm not ballin', but I did buy these two things at Lenox today:

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler - $19

NARS concealer in Praline - $22

I don't wear makeup much, but considering that dark under eye circles run in the family, I found the concealer to be necessary. Also, one of my best features is my long eyelashes, so the curler will come in handy with or without mascara. But man, I was smiling all day after I bought these two things. I can't believe buying something for myself could be this gratifying. 희수 오빠 looked at me strangely, but he was happy that I was looking after myself for the first time in a while.

Tomorrow I may be going to get a car wash with my cousins after church. It's been overdue. I haven't had a decent car wash in over a year. Plus, there are still dead bug guts splattered all over my car from my trip to Savannah a month ago.

Sometimes I may be envious of people that have close friends their age, but you know, I realized some friends cannot beat my relationship with my family, especially my cousins. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing people, but when it comes to my cousins, they are literally my best friends and look out for me way more than anyone else. They immediately treated my now nonexistent SO like family. That was a first for me, but afterwards I realized how blessed I am to have their support.

We're quirky, loud, crazy, passionate, affectionate, direct, understanding...

you're missing out if you haven't joined in on one of our family meetings. My future spouse will be one lucky guy. :)

never alone

2009-07-17T00:10:00.004-04:00

I was charging my camera the today after many months and upon uploading, I realized the pictures were from March. I couldn't help but to chuckle while browsing through them. Among the photos was a video of a bunch of drunk law students singing "A Whole New World." Brought back a flood of memories, but man.. that night was a blast.

...

Jim Brickman is a brilliant pianist/musician. I listen more to his piano instrumentals than his lyrical pieces, but I randomly came upon this song tonight and instantly felt connected to it in many ways. It speaks of life, death, love, friends, joy, sorrows - all these different things in a 4 min. song. Maybe this is why I love the arts. Photography and music like this just speaks to me.

Maybe it'll speak to someone else as well.

Today marks the 8 year anniversary of my aunt's death. I can't believe it's been that long. I remember the night of July 17, 2001 so vividly, though I hate to even think about it.

reflection

2009-07-15T00:04:00.004-04:00

I had lunch with a friend today. The first time I met her was 1.5 years ago at a conference where we were in the same small group. We haven't really spoken since then. I went to her church on Sunday, and as we exchanged greetings after service, a fairly personal, yet expected subject came up. Surprisingly, I found myself sharing some of my recent struggles and found that she was going through similar things - all this openness despite us being "strangers." Today was more of a follow-up, picking up the conversation where we left off on Sunday.

After lunch, I dropped her off at Emory and began my long trek home. I got lost, needless to say, but I didn't contact anyone. I took advantage of my alone time in the car, driving, listening to music, and feeling pretty independent (meaning being able to find my own way home). However, there was this overwhelming sadness/emptiness that came over me.

Even now, I'm uneasy. I sit, pace back and forth, lay down, over and over again; rarely doing each for more than 10 minutes. There's this extremely unsettling feeling in me, and I don't know what it is. I had friends over tonight, but even so, I felt strangely. I need to pray long and hard tonight.

...

I need to guard my heart. I need fear driven obedience, trusting that this is the best decision for me in the long run.

drained

2009-07-12T03:08:00.002-04:00

Didn't think today would be so draining.

Family problems are stressing me out. It's even more frustrating when you can't really get away from it all. I actually wish I were in Athens.

Good thing I'll be somewhat "away" for the next five days.

Even in the tough times, I need to praise God. He is still good.

wise words

2009-07-10T00:27:00.004-04:00

"God moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform."

- William Cowper

God has shown himself to me this week. I've spent hours alone reading, writing, journaling, reflecting, and praying - spending some intimate time with God. I've begun to notice little quirks about me (or habits?) here and there that seemed inexplicable at first; I figured it was just who I was; however, God's opening my eyes to a new reality and a new way of thinking that takes me OUT of the spotlight. It's really not about me at all, so why am I putting myself as the center of attention?

While I felt hopeless, God provided. When I was confused and wanted direction in my life, he gave me understanding and wisdom. When I was filled with bitterness and resentment, he calmed the storm in my heart and taught me forgiveness. While I was sick, he gave me comfort and healing.

He's shown me all of these this week. He's shown me all throughout my life, I just failed to see it some of the times. I couldn't hear his still small voice because I was so consumed with taking matters into my own hands. But time and time again, he speaks to me.

Do my will, beloved. I drew you up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set your feet upon the rock.

He's been there this whole time.

still small voice

2009-07-09T02:47:00.002-04:00

Don't you see? Neither of us deserves this. It's got nothing to do with whether we do or not. Every blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for good done, but as a gift.

vulnerable

2009-07-07T22:34:00.003-04:00

My soul is weeping while reading this book.

I'm fighting my heart.

I can't believe the pain God must have felt and still feels when I boldly fall into sin while looking at him face to face; When he tells me over and over again to fight the selfish desires of my heart, yet I give up.

I'm a messed up person. When did I become so wicked and filled with immorality?

God, help me fight this war and come out with a victory.

redeeming love

2009-07-07T19:07:00.002-04:00

My high school friend randomly called me from Philly today (moved up there for college). It was quite the surprise, but I was thrilled. The last time we really spoke was during my road trip last summer. While sharing some of the latest happenings and an update on my spiritual life, he insisted I begin journaling. After some hesitation, I decided to give it a try. He wasn't the first one to tell me to journal. We'll see how that goes.

Anyhow.

I started reading the book, "Redeeming Love" after a friend insisted on letting me borrow it. I haven't been able to put it down since I started it. I find myself identifying with a lot of the characters (maybe not the exact circumstances), but their thoughts and prayers are very similar to my own.

"For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do." –Romans 7:19

My prayer these days is for God to awaken my dead soul and to really understand where/how the Gospel plays in my life. It's difficult to find joy and be thankful in the midst of my struggles, but man, I can tell God is working - providing for me during my time of need and really answering many of my prayers.

joy

2009-07-06T11:58:00.002-04:00

The sermon from yesterday spoke on Ephesians 2:1-10. Maybe it's merely a coincidence that all of Rev. Kim's sermon's have pertained to the happenings of the prior week, but I've been tremendously blessed.

Yes, I've been "dead" and sinned against God; I've been disobedient and lost myself to the desires of this world; I've held anger and bitterness in my heart for the sake of my own pride.

BUT...

But because of God's unending love for us, His grace and His mercy, we are made alive again. Such a simple word as "but" changes everything. We are able to make a 180 and finally live again.

Want to know how to experience true joy in your lives? By serving and loving in this order:

Jesus

Others

You

The worldly view is the other way around. First loving yourself before you can love others. I wrote about it not long ago. I do agree it's difficult to love others or serve others if you don't love yourself. However, true joy comes from loving Jesus first and foremost, then others, and yourself. Being self-less.

when life throws oranges.. I seem to get hit hard

2009-07-05T03:34:00.002-04:00

By far the roughest week, yet happiest.

I went to help my friend out at his store for a few hours and had some good talks, especially after many years. Around 7PM, I ended up going to my cousin's place for some drinks (meaning, one beer) and more great and hilarious talks. As unsupportive as my parents can get many times, my cousin's always have my back. I find that she, her husband, and brother-in-law really look out for the best of me and will stand behind me with a lot of my struggles. Dinner at KC Pit BBQ, which is a fairly "upscale" joint. Not really expensive at all, but they serve the food in an upscale manner.

I didn't get to see fireworks tonight, but I did run into my friend Davis, who drove down from North Carolina for the weekend. One of my old mentors and a close family friend. Ended up talking for a good 2 hours standing outside of Taco Mac.

It's such a blessing to see SO many old faces visiting Atlanta over the past few days and even in the next few weeks. I'm finding so much joy just talking and catching up with everyone.

.. and on another random note, I'm determined to find a job and move out of my house after school. I'll be calling Athens my home from now on until graduation. Hopefully by then, I'll be able to support myself and find a place to call my own.

irony

2009-07-03T18:07:00.003-04:00

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

pride and humility

2009-07-01T15:15:00.003-04:00

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

When looking at my current circumstances, there is little room for my pride to get in the way.

A good friend of mine said he'd pay me to deliver his coffee for him everyday during his lunch break - knowing that I've been trying to find a job all summer. He lives 5 miles away from me so the "job" takes about 25 minutes. However, upon returning home, I couldn't help but to feel humility overwhelming me.

I remember having a conversation with the same friend about finding a job. He said, "If you need a job that badly, you should be willing to work anywhere, despite inconveniences."

I've applied to at least 50+ places. If only I were done with school, many of these would've hired. I'll admit, it's discouraging. I admit, I cried when the two internships I set my heart on didn't work out. If money weren't the issue, I could be in New York right now pursuing my dream.

It was a blow to my pride, most definitely. Then I think, maybe this was God's way of telling me to be humble - to have more humility in my life. Good thing I have a personality to persevere through whatever trials are tossed in front of me.

Challenge me. I'll take you on.

will you be there?

2009-06-30T18:32:00.001-04:00

I can't help but to tear up when listening to this song.

nostalgic

2009-06-27T22:06:00.006-04:00

I went to visit my grandmother today, and as always, she thought of various ways to keep me there for as long as possible. I didn't mind at all. In fact, I find myself walking away learning a life lesson or two each time I visit.

She's 92 years old with a big heart and big dreams. You would wonder what kind of dreams a 92 year old would have, but surprisingly, she does. In reality, she can't do much for herself anymore but she wants to see the rest of the family - sisters, cousins, nieces, nephews, son, daughter, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. (we have a big family) - live their lives in joy. She talks about death every now and again; however, she wants nothing more than to see the growth of our family (both spiritually, emotionally, and in actual numbers!).

I looked at some of my childhood photos posted up on her cork board and realized that I'm no longer the little baby. The "baby" of the family is soon 23 years old. My eldest cousin is nearing his 40s and I now think, "man, I remember when my parents were that age."

The more I see my family, hang out with them, talk with them - especially my grandmother - the more I realize that life is a gift. Shoot, if I think the first 23 years of my life went by fast, I'll be in my 40s before I know it.

I remember not wanting kids during my early teen years, quite possibly because I was 1. young 2. the baby of the family 3. immature. Now, I find so much joy in taking care of kids. After 5+ years of babysitting and teaching, I've warmed up to the youngsters. I even found myself wanting more than the ideal one boy and one girl. Why? Well, I've seen the joy in my grandmother's eyes when she talks about her kids and even grandchildren; and honestly, I can't wait to truly experience that same joy. I've also been watching a drama, "You Are My Destiny", and seeing the parent's unconditional love for their children warms my heart.

I digress.

I can't help but to think that life is, indeed, short. There's so much I want to do. Now, I just wonder when will I be able to do everything on my list.

broken living

2009-06-21T23:44:00.003-04:00

I am one broken person living amongst other broken people in a broken world seeking to find a sense of individuality and striving to improve my character not only for others, but ultimately for myself. I lost part of my identity somewhere in the past when I began to let all my insecurities and inadequacies dictate who I am as a person today. There is a quote that says, "Your perception is your reality." Now, do I really want to let a person so self-conscious as myself continue writing the next chapters of my life, especially if all I do is (in a sense) live in the past? I mean, what's the point? Why continue if there is no substance?

In reality, I'm weeping deep down inside. For so long, I've disguised myself as someone I am not. I act in polar opposite to what I'm feeling. I tend to abandon my desire for change and assimilate myself to a place or with people where or with whom I don't have to deal with my "mess" - where people don't know my mess so I can just forget. It's funny how someone I've known less than a year could know me more than those that have known me my entire life.

I'm broken. I can't help but to think I brought this on myself. "It's hard to love someone when they don't love themself." Those words tear at my heart so much because I can understand. Then again, it doesn't necessarily imply that I don't have the means or capacity to love another, but rather, if I should expect someone else to return that same love.

In Matthew 22:36-38, it says:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment."

Then in verse 39 it says:

And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

Jesus calls us to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind first and foremost; then follows it up with loving others as we love ourselves. Can we truly love others without loving God first?

Another verse in John 15:12 says:

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Jesus isn't talking about a love based on how we feel about ourselves, rather how He loves us. Everything we do should be characterized by divine love. There are no conditions. If I had to wait to love myself in order to love the Lord, how long would I keep him waiting? Don't get me wrong though, this in no way excuses my lack of concern for myself. These are some of the many thoughts I've wrestled to articulate.

The heart of the matter is this: for the first time in a while, I feel truly convicted to stand in the face of my adversities rather than turn a blind eye with the hope that things will quietly pass.

1 Corinthians 13

2009-06-17T11:50:00.007-04:00

"...[Love] keeps no record of wrongs."

Love is patient, love is kind.

Patience: Latin 'pati' = to endure, suffer
Kind = forbearance

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs."

jobless yet productive

2009-06-15T21:41:00.006-04:00

For the first time in long while, I'm jobless over the summer. I'm still looking although it's already mid-summer; however, I found something that is so much more worthwhile than making a few extra bucks.

I think I'll be going on an outreach in the city every Monday to play with some kids. It reminded me so much of missions some years ago. I went on summer missions for 5 years and upon graduating from high school, I haven't been able to join the teams during the summer months since I had to work to pay for miscellaneous college expenses.

Spending time with the kids today was a tremendous blessing. It reaffirmed my desire and heart for missions.

daily prayer

2009-06-15T16:06:00.002-04:00

Though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.

I pray for the confidence...

to know that I am loved by God.

For 1000 days...

2009-06-13T23:22:00.002-04:00

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audience of one

2009-06-12T19:23:00.005-04:00

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

early bird

2009-06-10T10:46:00.001-04:00

Strangely, I've been waking up at 9:30AM everyday despite how late I sleep. I let Junior out for a bit then sleep again for another hour or two.

tired

2009-06-09T17:13:00.004-04:00

When there is something that truly upsets you, others may laugh and say that it is nothing to get upset over. They question why you get worked up over such "petty" things. Does that mean there should be a standard as to what issues people can or cannot get upset over? Is everyone expected to be on the same page?

Since when was it okay to say something heartless that upset someone and walk away because you felt like it was an insignificant matter? When was it okay to scoff at someone when they actually speak up?

I heard this a few weeks ago at a wedding. The pastor told the bride to be understanding, caring, and supportive of her husband. Then he turned to the groom and said these words: "Be the first to say that you're sorry."

No matter how insignificant something seems, if it upsets the other party, no words will help the situation other than "I'm sorry."

celebration

2009-06-07T23:06:00.004-04:00

Happy birthday to my baby, to my love...

2 months old:

8 months old:

1.5 years old:

2 years old:

He turned 3 today. A nice day out at the dog park with HJ + cousins + the dogs, spring roll dinner, and some good talks. These are my kind of weekends. :)

some things are better left unseen

2009-06-04T02:00:00.002-04:00

Perhaps it's better to say some people are better left unseen...

some word are also better left unspoken, but why do I want to scream at the top of my lungs?

... and so the insecurities overwhelm my evening once again.

2 Corinthians 5

2009-06-02T23:52:00.003-04:00

This Sunday, the pastor mentioned giving up our own steering wheel and letting God take over. I am constantly reminded that my life is not my own. "Heaven is my throne, and earth is my footstool." It's the idea that life on earth is temporary compared to the eternal life in heaven. Death is not the end; rather, the beginning of a journey that places us in the presence of Christ.

However, I can't live my life on earth in vain.

Becoming and striving to become an ambassador for Christ. If Christ is for me, who can be against me?

inspiration

2009-05-31T02:04:00.006-04:00

I found this to be so inspirational. Part 1 and part 2 shown below. I encourage to watch both.

God uses us in amazing ways.

2 Corinthians 4

2009-05-29T23:46:00.003-04:00

I had a good day with some long overdue time with a girl friend of mine. I've never laughed so hard over the silliest things.

My thoughts for tonight are quite simple: keep Christ visible for all to see.
Carry it everywhere you go and be sure to be the light where there is darkness. The smallest flame will still be visible from a long way.

2 Corinthians 3

2009-05-28T23:17:00.003-04:00

It's pretty amusing how chapter 3 talks about credentials, especially when I had an interview today at Moxie Interactive (which went superbly well, might I add). I've been in contact with a Senior Art Director at Moxie for the past six months - attempting to get my foot in the door as well as building relationships with some of the employees. Dr. Scott Shamp of the New Media Institute drilled into my head the importance of networking with people and maintaining contact with them. I found that to be the most important and life changing lesson I've learned in my 4 years of college. Investing in the lives of others rather than saying a quick hello and never talking to the person again. I mean, this is how I landed one internship in NYC, a potential one at Moxie, and a job in Athens. I follow-up with people all throughout the year to keep close relationships.

Paul tells us that while having credentials is a good thing, we can't just flash it around and expect people to migrate to us. I see too many Christians today not getting personally involved in the lives of others, especially those new to the faith or wanting to grow in their faith. It's similar to when newcomers come to church. The welcoming team does their job of introducing themselves and asking a few questions, but after Sunday, is there a follow-up? Do the team members wait until next week to talk to the new person? Or let's say you have a gift in music; what good is it to keep it to yourself? My mentor engrained into my head the importance investing my times in others.

The Gospel needs to be written on our hearts - not kept inside of our head. When we interact with others, people should be able to see Christ written all over us. We are weak and our human references are nothing; however, the Spirit of God comes and gives us his divine credentials to helps us move in others.

2 Corinthians 2

2009-05-27T23:14:00.003-04:00

As Christians, Christ calls us to forgive others as he forgave us - to love and counsel others in spite of the sins that they've committed. We see in this chapter the Corinthians punishing a certain individual for causing pain within the church. Now, Paul asks the church to deal with the situation, but we have the church seeking punishment in the form of vengeance. Paul urges the church to forgive and comfort the man so "he is not overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." Obviously, the punishment given had it's intended effect on the individual and he had repented.

I find that many Christians today act as the Corinthian church did. We seek to rebuke a particular person for their sin, and while we outwardly say "I forgive you," I find that most people hold grudges. When we forgive, it's ceasing to feel resentment against the offender. There should be no asterisks attached.

Christ forgives us 100% anytime we ask and repent sincerely. We all sin, but God is ready to shower us with his mercies. With that, we need to reflect God's unconditional love for us.

woo hoo!

2009-05-26T21:51:00.003-04:00

I just got a letter from the General Board of Higher Education & Ministry saying that I have been awarded the HANA scholarship at the amount of $1500! Praise be to God!

The first day detoxing was pretty rough - I've been experiencing hunger pangs and gagged trying to down the salt water flush. I think I'll stick to the tea from now on. I've decided to stop my detox at day 5 for now. I think it's something I should gradually go into and increase the days the more my body becomes accustomed to withstanding a detox. Regardless, I'm still going to finish 2 Corinthians.

My interview with Moxie moved to Thursday 4PM. At least it gives me some time to prepare myself for my first REAL interview. I'm quite nervous.

2 Corinthians 1

2009-05-26T13:53:00.003-04:00

Often times, I am caught up in the activities of the day that i forget to give thanks to God for giving me another day to do these things. We need to be like Paul. Before starting anything for the day, Paul always opens up with a prayer of thanksgiving and the glorification of God - seeking to gain strength and wisdom from God. Humbleness. I need to be reminded more that the successes of my life are not mine, rather a guidance and gift from my Heavenly Father.

Reflecting on the various trials and tribulations of the past year, I realized at the end of each of them, God's righteousness became so much more apparent. God shows his nature and reminds me, "You are my child and I love you" and that he is my healing counsel and comfort.

God puts us on these roller coaster rides to remind us that he is a powerful God; however, he would never gives us more than we could handle. It's almost like a reminder to awaken us from our apathy and remember God should be reigning in and throughout our lives. Our sufferings and encouragements are experienced in union with Christ.

A friend always reminds me to "fight my heart." It's fighting the desires of your heart when they are not the desires of God - or to even pray seeking to understand what God desires for you.

refining process

2009-05-25T23:46:00.004-04:00

I decided to start my detox tomorrow. I came home from a great dinner that will be my last solid intake (hopefully) for the next 10 days. I found myself getting extremely ill the first time on it several years ago, but I'm attempting it again.

Along with the physical refinement, I'll also dive deeper into the Word and enhance my prayer life.

I realized as much as I put forth the effort to become a selfless individual, it sometimes turns against me. I forget to take care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I really need to spend time reflecting in prayer on where God wants me to go from here. I've endured a crazy emotional ride, but what's next?

I'll be studying 2 Corinthians for the next 13 days. Though I lack the physical accountability, I'll be praying for diligence in my readings and wisdom for understanding. I'll be writing my thoughts here.

.. and here we go. :)

shallow girls

2009-05-22T23:17:00.008-04:00

I'm still sitting at Maum, and I'm sitting in a booth next to these really shallow Korean girls. The conversation reminds me of some of the girls I used to hang out with.

So, apparently one of the girls has several potential guys in mind, and she is asking her friends for advice on who to date.

girl 1: ... but Guy A drives a Honda Civic hybrid.
girl 2: oh. uhhh....
1: but he also goes out a lot too.
2: wow, he doesn't seem poor
1: no... he's in the military so he has some money.

2: does Guy B exercise in the morning?
1: doesn't look like it, but I mean, he looks alright.

These aren't the best excerpts from their conversation, but all I do know is money, material possession, and looks were their only criteria. And people wonder why I lack girl friends. Quite frankly, I don't want to deal with girls like these, let alone have friends that are so narrow minded. I've dealt with them.

The FEW girl friends I have are still with me for a reason. For one, I don't have to justify my being in a relationship with a particular guy to them. They don't look at the car he drives, his wealth, his looks - nor do they judge him by any of these.

They simply ask, "Are you happy?"
"Yes, I am happy."
"Then I'm happy for you."

Can't wait until some of them come home for the summer.

deadlines

2009-05-22T21:39:00.003-04:00

So, I'm here at Maum cafe trying to get my scholarship essay done. I already missed my personal deadline to finish (two weeks ago), and here I am nearing the real deadline to submit it. Summer is really taking it's toll on me.

The other thing is my interview at Moxie this Wednesday. I was practicing what I would say as I was laying in bed last night.

...

side note: money is a scary thing.

thought vomits

2009-05-16T02:04:00.005-04:00

I need to get out and stop overanalyzing things that shouldn't even be analyzed.

Hopefully my backup for going to NYC will work out; if it does, I'll be living in Manhattan free of charge.

Junior always looks funky right after a groom. He needs about a month to look normal again.

Moxie interview in two weeks.

I need major help with what appears to be the simplest scholarship essay.

Words can not explain how much I am anticipating the Rockband party with cousins + HJ.

.. as well as Petapalooza at Suwanee Park tomorrow.

Watching the finale of Hell's Kitchen just made me want to become a chef.

Watching the amazing transformations on the Biggest Loser makes me want to lose weight.

I think I'm going to do the Master Cleanse detox for the third time after Rockband party.

It feels really great to have a warm body (Junior's) sleeping next to me again.

I made an 89 on my Art History final. I'm extremely happy to be over and done with it (and have passed).

I want to go on a road trip again. When you're stuck in a car for hours at a time, you're bound to bond with people.

It has been an amazing year, thus far. :)

relaxing break

2009-05-14T22:23:00.005-04:00

My tolerance for alcohol has dropped tremendously. Before, I wouldn't get fazed until the third or fourth beer, but apparently I'm good after just one. Whew. But I must say that Yeungling on draft is pretty good. I signed up for Taco Mac's Passport thing today. Doubt I'd make it to the second level, but I did it for kicks. :)

My arm is pretty sore from Rockbanding for the past two days - specifically for 5 hours straight today. The veins in my left hand are prominent. I'm excited about Rockbanding with the cousins + HJ on Saturday. Nothing better than quality time with the folks I love.

Now, tonight, I must rest my head (after watching the Biggest Loser) and wake up early tomorrow for a long overdue oil change.

au revoir.

support

2009-05-06T13:43:00.003-04:00

The one thing that makes me lose my drive to do something is the lack of support.

Sometimes I wonder why people have to think of the negative rather than the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will turn out okay in the end; but I'll never know unless I try.

Some people need to learn to give a pat on the back or a word of praise.

Real World #2

2009-04-29T22:47:00.006-04:00

So, over the weekend, I was a part of an event called "Technology for the Turnaround." We were able to showcase all of the projects that we've worked on all semester as well as network with some very big names. One of these names was "StyleCaster" which is a site where expert trendsetters and top fashion influencers give users a personalized guide to styles. You are able to browse the site and pick out some of the styles that you like: fashion, beauty, accessories - and SC will update you on the latest clothes, beauty products, accessories that they think you will like the most.

I talked with Brandon, who I believe is the founder of SC, and he

mentioned them looking for a photography intern over the summer. LUCKY ME! It so happened that I was one of the photographers taking pictures at Saturday's event so I guess that one landed right in front of me. Another funny thing, the other day I received an email from career center about student housing for those attending school or interns in NYC. I took that as a sign. :)

I just sent my resume so hopefully I can go up there for an interview and maybe work for the summer. If I land the interview but not the internship, at least I'll get to see the city again.

Road Trip summer 08'

real world

2009-04-23T20:55:00.003-04:00

So Moxie Interactive finally emailed me back and said they would set up an interview for me in May!

Let me tell you how stoked I am! This is the first step into the real world - though, temporarily while I'm out of school. Nonetheless, this is a BIG BIG name that I could potentially be working for. I'm hoping by getting my foot in the door that I could possibly work there after graduation.

I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I do have a few more years in school.

You know, I became a little bit more determined to become a better photographer. Not that I wasn't trying my best, but I've been slowly researching ways to better myself and be prepared for all that's to come with the title of being a freelance photographer. Granted, anyone could call themselves a freelancer, but I want to be off the chain! (I really couldn't think of another phrase).

As much as the now-working-graduates claim how they wish to be back in school, I really think I'm ready for the real world. I know what I want to do and I plan on doing whatever I can to work and enjoy it. Too many people I work somewhere (medical, law, business, etc) for financial security (which is not always a bad thing), but they are miserable doing the job. Now, I know an art major is not at the top of this finance chart, but I think a balance is possible.

I may not love business, journalism, or advertising by itself, but partnering it up with art - graphics and photography will really help broaden your skills sets. Then maybe I'll be able to work in an office setting while doing the arts as well. Although, I know sometimes, it's easier said than done.

Maybe all of this is just wishful thinking.

interesting facts

2009-04-22T20:03:00.002-04:00

Gotta keep these for reference. :)

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11 Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H

14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)

15. Stinky feet - Jello!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on foo d - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Gr een, Thursday = Red Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread w rappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

la maison en petit cubes

2009-04-16T00:48:00.004-04:00

This animation is remarkable. It speaks directly to my heart.

It's a story of a man who lives in a city submerged by flooding over the years. He lives at this house alone - eating by himself, keeping himself company. As the water rises, he is forced to add additional levels to his home to keep dry and spends days working - in rain or shine. When he finishes the next level, he organizes the room and accidentally drops his pipe down the lower levels of his home.

He gears up in scuba gear and swims down, one level at a time. At each level, he pauses and a scene from the past plays. At each lower level, you will find him reliving moments of his life.

This is such an inspirational animation. Why didn't that man just pack up and leave his house like everyone else? What was his drive to stay there?

Sometimes we make these extremely rash decisions based on our current preoccupations and we fail to see the bigger picture. Sure, take the easy way out and leave everything. Simple enough; but is it really good enough?

We focus too much on the issues that we often forget the positive aspects of it all. In this case, memories of the better times and what you've learned in that span of time. When we actually take a breather and reevaluate our lives just for a moment, I think we can learn to appreciate our current stage in life.

Maybe I'm not making sense to anyone else, but at least I'm making sense to myself.

Enjoy life.