6 hour conversations

Last night, I talked with a friend for 6 hours over the phone, and for about 3 hours, we spoke passionately about church.

She got me thinking (and I will blog again once I organize those thoughts), some Christians have got it all wrong. They appear to be all there, but somewhere down the road, their ideology/theology got twisted. I don't say this to judge, because I admit that I have my share of mistakes, but my friend mentioned many reasons as to why she doesn't like church, and I couldn't help but to feel ashamed. She wasn't directly referring to me; but still, to know I'm still part of a community that fails to see that they are casting away people from the church is humbling on my part.

Church is for sinners - those that are oppressed, those seeking Truth, the lost, and the poor. We are ALL imperfect human beings, yet why do we cast a stone on those that we feel are "more" imperfect? Why do we drive them away?

I'm very upset. What has the Body of Christ been doing all this time?

Reminds me so much of John 4. The woman at the well. The story of MY life.

I need to pray about this. I'm extremely unsettled.

that's what friends are for

When I'm in trouble physically, emotionally, financially... one friend has been there for me. We've only known each other about 1.5 years, but he is truly a friend. No strings attached, and no matter what assumptions people may have. This goes for both parties, not just myself.

When I had my knee problem; when I got into my car accident; when I couldn't pay for my rent - he was always the first to help me, regardless if I refused or not, the thought was there and I'm entirely grateful for it.

I remember we would work out 3-4 days out of the week last summer, that is until I got this knee problem (that apparently has not healed). I could barely walk, and when I did, it was intense pain. Not long after, a group of us went on a road trip up to NYC, Atlantic City, DC, Philly, and Baltimore. We walked tons during that trip which didn't help the knee. During that time, however, my friend asked me how I was doing and offered a helping hand regularly. It may seem simple, but I was grateful for the concern - especially since I felt like I was taking the fun out of the trip, being handicapped and all.

A few months before that, I was driving back to Athens around 2AM after bowling with some friends. I was talking to him on the phone to keep myself from falling asleep. Then, I hit a deer in mid-conversation. While I was going hysterical, he attempted to keep me sane. That week, knowing how miserable and shaken up I was, he came to visit me in Athens three days in a row (as well as some other friends). What a trooper!

A few weeks afterwards, we were talking once again about school and majors when I realized I had to pay for my speeding ticket the following week. The parents didn't know at the time and while I was stressing, he offered to lend me the money to pay it. I immediately rejected it, but thanked him for the thought. Then fast forward another year and I found myself unable to pay rent for my apartment. He offered and insisted on helping me this time around. He literally wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

It's funny. We don't even talk/hang out as much as we used to, but it always so happens that he is there when these crazy things happen to me. It's actually pretty ridiculous now that I think about it.

You know, some people may think there are underlying motives in our friendship, but there really isn't. We discussed long ago that we were strictly friends - 오빠 동생 사이. You could say we had a DTR. We were both in relationships with other people, yet we still maintained our friendship, of course being mindful and not giving other's the wrong idea.

I remember my dad talking to me once and saying this, "Consider yourself blessed and successful to be able to count your closest friends on one hand."

Looks like I'm already on a good track. :)

Harry Potter Marathon

I am spending nearly 12 hours of my life trying to do this Harry Potter marathon. I just got home from watching #3 and 4 with Joshua. Poor boy fell asleep. I came over to watch the fifth one with him and didn't even get to since it got pretty late.

Anyhow, while watching the fourth one (pictured above), I couldn't help but to be slightly disgusted at how much the characters grew up in a span of four years. It's a HUGE difference from the first movie until the 4th - but I can't even imagine how they are in the newest one. Blech. They are no longer cute.

Well, at least I'm keeping myself busy on these "off" days of mine. Maybe I should watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy after this. I mean, I'm on quite a roll with these movies. People always gasp when I tell them I haven't seen (insert any popular movie title here). Now, when people make these references to movies that I never understand, maybe I can join in or even make some references myself.

On a different note, I've been pretty happy for the last couple weeks. Friends that I haven't seen in years have come back to visit. My prayer life is going well; my relationship with God has been getting back on track. It's amazing the difference it makes to really trust in the Lord when you are faced with various struggles and temptations.

welcome to reality

So, I wonder why I am here, sitting at another bar in Athens. This nightlife has become so mundane, but I still find myself mingling and meeting new people. A few hours into the night, I get a random phone call.

It's him.

"Uh. Hello? Why are you calling me? I thought we weren't talking."

He then replied, "Come meet me at the studio in an hour."

Uneasy, I shifted back and forth in my chair, and after a moment of hesitation, I agreed.

Upon hanging up the phone, I began to carry on a few conversations with some people sitting at the bar. I somehow managed to meet the manager of a business, and we spoke of a job prospect for me. Excited, I continued engaging in the conversation and soon lost track of time. I looked at my watch and realized I was very late. I quickly closed my tab and set off to meet him.

As I was walking to the studio, I received a phone call.

"Hello? Is this Ivy? I'm calling about your studio reservation.."

I was confused. "Excuse me? You must be mistaken. I never reserved a studio. He's the one that told me to come there."

"Yes, I know. He reserved a studio tonight for $360 under your name. He had an event set up for you, but you never showed." The voice continued, "He waited for you for 3 hours..."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran to the studio. It was closed. Without a second thought, I ran to his apartment. I ran down the steep hill only to find an empty parking lot and his bedroom light turned off. Where could he be at this late hour? He must be feeling miserable.

I waited, pacing back and forth in the dark night, tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry. Just come home, please. I couldn't help but to break down. It was a heart-wrenching feeling. I kept yelling his name over and over again...

...

and then I woke up. Heart racing. Breathing heavily. What was that dream? What was it all about?

I prayed long and hard all day. God, I know it was just a dream, but I'm feeling uneasy. I'm sure there is no meaning behind it, but please give me peace.

splurge

For the first time in a long time, I was able to splurge on... me. I haven't really bought myself anything that I wanted in a long time. I always find myself buying other's something because I find joy in seeing others happy and excited. Now, I can do things for myself from time to time.

I'm not ballin', but I did buy these two things at Lenox today:

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler - $19

NARS concealer in Praline - $22

I don't wear makeup much, but considering that dark under eye circles run in the family, I found the concealer to be necessary. Also, one of my best features is my long eyelashes, so the curler will come in handy with or without mascara. But man, I was smiling all day after I bought these two things. I can't believe buying something for myself could be this gratifying. 희수 오빠 looked at me strangely, but he was happy that I was looking after myself for the first time in a while.

Tomorrow I may be going to get a car wash with my cousins after church. It's been overdue. I haven't had a decent car wash in over a year. Plus, there are still dead bug guts splattered all over my car from my trip to Savannah a month ago.

Sometimes I may be envious of people that have close friends their age, but you know, I realized some friends cannot beat my relationship with my family, especially my cousins. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing people, but when it comes to my cousins, they are literally my best friends and look out for me way more than anyone else. They immediately treated my now nonexistent SO like family. That was a first for me, but afterwards I realized how blessed I am to have their support.

We're quirky, loud, crazy, passionate, affectionate, direct, understanding...

you're missing out if you haven't joined in on one of our family meetings. My future spouse will be one lucky guy. :)

never alone

I was charging my camera the today after many months and upon uploading, I realized the pictures were from March. I couldn't help but to chuckle while browsing through them. Among the photos was a video of a bunch of drunk law students singing "A Whole New World." Brought back a flood of memories, but man.. that night was a blast.

...

Jim Brickman is a brilliant pianist/musician. I listen more to his piano instrumentals than his lyrical pieces, but I randomly came upon this song tonight and instantly felt connected to it in many ways. It speaks of life, death, love, friends, joy, sorrows - all these different things in a 4 min. song. Maybe this is why I love the arts. Photography and music like this just speaks to me.

Maybe it'll speak to someone else as well.

Today marks the 8 year anniversary of my aunt's death. I can't believe it's been that long. I remember the night of July 17, 2001 so vividly, though I hate to even think about it.

reflection

I had lunch with a friend today. The first time I met her was 1.5 years ago at a conference where we were in the same small group. We haven't really spoken since then. I went to her church on Sunday, and as we exchanged greetings after service, a fairly personal, yet expected subject came up. Surprisingly, I found myself sharing some of my recent struggles and found that she was going through similar things - all this openness despite us being "strangers." Today was more of a follow-up, picking up the conversation where we left off on Sunday.

After lunch, I dropped her off at Emory and began my long trek home. I got lost, needless to say, but I didn't contact anyone. I took advantage of my alone time in the car, driving, listening to music, and feeling pretty independent (meaning being able to find my own way home). However, there was this overwhelming sadness/emptiness that came over me.

Even now, I'm uneasy. I sit, pace back and forth, lay down, over and over again; rarely doing each for more than 10 minutes. There's this extremely unsettling feeling in me, and I don't know what it is. I had friends over tonight, but even so, I felt strangely. I need to pray long and hard tonight.

...

I need to guard my heart. I need fear driven obedience, trusting that this is the best decision for me in the long run.

drained

Didn't think today would be so draining.

Family problems are stressing me out. It's even more frustrating when you can't really get away from it all. I actually wish I were in Athens.

Good thing I'll be somewhat "away" for the next five days.

Even in the tough times, I need to praise God. He is still good.

wise words

"God moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform."

- William Cowper

God has shown himself to me this week. I've spent hours alone reading, writing, journaling, reflecting, and praying - spending some intimate time with God. I've begun to notice little quirks about me (or habits?) here and there that seemed inexplicable at first; I figured it was just who I was; however, God's opening my eyes to a new reality and a new way of thinking that takes me OUT of the spotlight. It's really not about me at all, so why am I putting myself as the center of attention?

While I felt hopeless, God provided. When I was confused and wanted direction in my life, he gave me understanding and wisdom. When I was filled with bitterness and resentment, he calmed the storm in my heart and taught me forgiveness. While I was sick, he gave me comfort and healing.

He's shown me all of these this week. He's shown me all throughout my life, I just failed to see it some of the times. I couldn't hear his still small voice because I was so consumed with taking matters into my own hands. But time and time again, he speaks to me.

Do my will, beloved. I drew you up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set your feet upon the rock.

He's been there this whole time.

still small voice

Don't you see? Neither of us deserves this. It's got nothing to do with whether we do or not. Every blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for good done, but as a gift.

vulnerable

My soul is weeping while reading this book.

I'm fighting my heart.

I can't believe the pain God must have felt and still feels when I boldly fall into sin while looking at him face to face; When he tells me over and over again to fight the selfish desires of my heart, yet I give up.

I'm a messed up person. When did I become so wicked and filled with immorality?

God, help me fight this war and come out with a victory.

redeeming love

My high school friend randomly called me from Philly today (moved up there for college). It was quite the surprise, but I was thrilled. The last time we really spoke was during my road trip last summer. While sharing some of the latest happenings and an update on my spiritual life, he insisted I begin journaling. After some hesitation, I decided to give it a try. He wasn't the first one to tell me to journal. We'll see how that goes.

Anyhow.

I started reading the book, "Redeeming Love" after a friend insisted on letting me borrow it. I haven't been able to put it down since I started it. I find myself identifying with a lot of the characters (maybe not the exact circumstances), but their thoughts and prayers are very similar to my own.

"For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do." –Romans 7:19

My prayer these days is for God to awaken my dead soul and to really understand where/how the Gospel plays in my life. It's difficult to find joy and be thankful in the midst of my struggles, but man, I can tell God is working - providing for me during my time of need and really answering many of my prayers.

joy

The sermon from yesterday spoke on Ephesians 2:1-10. Maybe it's merely a coincidence that all of Rev. Kim's sermon's have pertained to the happenings of the prior week, but I've been tremendously blessed.

Yes, I've been "dead" and sinned against God; I've been disobedient and lost myself to the desires of this world; I've held anger and bitterness in my heart for the sake of my own pride.

BUT...

But because of God's unending love for us, His grace and His mercy, we are made alive again. Such a simple word as "but" changes everything. We are able to make a 180 and finally live again.

Want to know how to experience true joy in your lives? By serving and loving in this order:

Jesus

Others

You

The worldly view is the other way around. First loving yourself before you can love others. I wrote about it not long ago. I do agree it's difficult to love others or serve others if you don't love yourself. However, true joy comes from loving Jesus first and foremost, then others, and yourself. Being self-less.

when life throws oranges.. I seem to get hit hard

By far the roughest week, yet happiest.

I went to help my friend out at his store for a few hours and had some good talks, especially after many years. Around 7PM, I ended up going to my cousin's place for some drinks (meaning, one beer) and more great and hilarious talks. As unsupportive as my parents can get many times, my cousin's always have my back. I find that she, her husband, and brother-in-law really look out for the best of me and will stand behind me with a lot of my struggles. Dinner at KC Pit BBQ, which is a fairly "upscale" joint. Not really expensive at all, but they serve the food in an upscale manner.

I didn't get to see fireworks tonight, but I did run into my friend Davis, who drove down from North Carolina for the weekend. One of my old mentors and a close family friend. Ended up talking for a good 2 hours standing outside of Taco Mac.

It's such a blessing to see SO many old faces visiting Atlanta over the past few days and even in the next few weeks. I'm finding so much joy just talking and catching up with everyone.

.. and on another random note, I'm determined to find a job and move out of my house after school. I'll be calling Athens my home from now on until graduation. Hopefully by then, I'll be able to support myself and find a place to call my own.

irony

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

pride and humility

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

When looking at my current circumstances, there is little room for my pride to get in the way.

A good friend of mine said he'd pay me to deliver his coffee for him everyday during his lunch break - knowing that I've been trying to find a job all summer. He lives 5 miles away from me so the "job" takes about 25 minutes. However, upon returning home, I couldn't help but to feel humility overwhelming me.

I remember having a conversation with the same friend about finding a job. He said, "If you need a job that badly, you should be willing to work anywhere, despite inconveniences."

I've applied to at least 50+ places. If only I were done with school, many of these would've hired. I'll admit, it's discouraging. I admit, I cried when the two internships I set my heart on didn't work out. If money weren't the issue, I could be in New York right now pursuing my dream.

It was a blow to my pride, most definitely. Then I think, maybe this was God's way of telling me to be humble - to have more humility in my life. Good thing I have a personality to persevere through whatever trials are tossed in front of me.

Challenge me. I'll take you on.