나의 사랑하는 할머니

Ever since my grandmother was admitted to the hospital, it's been an emotional roller coaster ride for my family. There are many decision to make on behalf of my grandmother, mainly because her health is at a questionable state and she is unable to speak for herself. Just when she was turning for the worst, the next day she perked up. She was placed in a hospice earlier today and is still doing well. Although my own faith has been in question, I cannot help but to think this has to be the work of God. I'm not asking for a complete miracle and have her be wiped away from any health complications (though that'd be nice); rather, I pray and ask others to pray for comfort, healing, and no pain for however long she has left.

It's true that I fail to realize the importance of spending time with family. Let me rephrase: the importance of spending QUALITY time with family until something like this happens. Now, I see family almost everyday. We have been taking shifts throughout the mornings and evenings, switching off every 10-12 hours. Of course, during those shifts, other family members come to spend time with my grandmother and check up on her, especially since the next two weeks have been marked as a high risk period.

I've experienced two premature deaths in my family in the last 9 years and during those times, I learned the importance of spending time with family. We all did. However, I think for a moment too late we forgot. Parents and their children fighting, brothers and sisters not talking to each other... we all spent time with grandma but not enough. I can't make the excuse that I had school an hour away so I was limited to my visits. If I was honest with myself, that's bullshit. I visited her when it was convenient for me. I thought I wasn't so selfish, but I guess I still have a lot more growing up to do.

My entire family has that same weight to carry. Out of 20+ of us, only 4-5 people would make regular visits to see grandmother. Granted, that was all they did. Visit for an hour or so, leave, and come back the next day. My grandmother wakes up at 8AM everyday (probably earlier) and waits until someone visits her after work around 7PM. That was her life for the past 3 years... waiting for someone to come visit her. I want to punch myself because of it. I never thought of it that way. My cousin (who is considered the primary caretaker) usually took the initiative to take grandma out to eat every so often, take her to the doctor for check-ups, take her to get a haircut, and the like. Yet, she even feels like she did not do enough for my grandmother.

Now, grandma seems almost normal. Although that's merely judging from the outside, I can't help but to have hope that she can and will get through this. I mean, doctors gave her a few days when she went to the hospital, then a week, then back to 24 hours, now they say she has 2 weeks. If she gets through two weeks, she may have anywhere from 4 weeks to 1.5 years. This is great news. She's even slowly eating food again, though we cannot overwork her weak kidneys.

My grandmother is my inspiration. Seriously. She's always been. She's become a living testimony to me and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with such a beautiful, caring, loving, and wonderful grandmother.

beyond limits

Barely any sleep and an 8AM final does not fair well for my already exhausted body. I don't know how I will manage to finish off the semester on a high note if this is how it'll be for the next week.

My eyes are puffy. My legs sore from moving about so much. My heart is in pain.

So what do I do about it? I always told myself to be proactive rather than sit around and complain. However, I have no idea how to remedy these things right now. I can't remedy them right now.

The more I fight and fight and fight and feel like I can push through, I fall. Once again, I'm left at this awkward phase wanting something I cannot have.

I've become an object once again and it kills.

reconnect

Today, I went over to HJ's apartment for the first time since his birthday. I had to drop off a few things for him and ask for a favor. While waiting for my negatives to get done at the Rite Aid down the street, I sat down and caught up with him. Mind you, this was probably the first instance of sitting down and talking together since our breakup. I wouldn't be surprised if he just held his tongue during the 30 minutes we sat down next to each other making small talk. I wouldn't be surprised if he really didn't care to talk to me; but, I wanted to. Selfish? Perhaps. But after the incident this past week, I really did want someone to talk to.

As much as I was a mess after we parted ways, and as angry as I was towards him, I'm at peace. Bottom line is, I think I'm ready to be a friend to him, though I'm unsure if he feels the same way. I mean, he was the one that wanted to maintain our friendship, yet never did.

Maybe the mishap with rent + wrong credit card was the start of it. Maybe this was God's humor playing around. Whatever it was, I think I grew up just a bit.

I don't expect much. Not rekindling nor a close friendship, but taking a few small steps at a time as an effort to reconnect with an old best friend.

I don't know why I'm about to tear up while writing this. Possibly happy tears of a long anticipated breakthrough of some sort. I missed him - not as a significant other, but as a friend.

I think I'll trust where God leads me on this one.

thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Dinner went by so quickly, but it was quite the feast! I really do hope mother brought some leftovers. We had 25 people and enough leftovers for at least 15 more people.

This year is a little different than the others. I have no idea why, but it just feels different.

However...

I am thankful that my family (especially my cousins and I) have gotten closer to one another over the past few years. I feel as though I struggle with the same things they once struggled with. Every time I talk with them, I don't feel as though I'm so different. I don't wonder why I think certain things or act a certain way. Maybe, just maybe, that's how my family rolls.

I love the friends that have stuck by me. They continue to love and care for me as a sister and give me the brutal, honest truth when I need it. I consider it such a blessing to have such friends in my life. And the great thing? I know they will always have my back and not betray me; because they have and continue to do so.

I'm thankful for the new friends I've made in the past few weeks. They have been a tremendous joy to me. Especially friends that pray for me every single night, whether it's over the phone or in person. I may not be where I want to be with God, but believe me, I am being challenged day after day by being with this community of people.

...

This Thanksgiving evening ended on a strange note. I had a friend confess his feelings to me - strong ones at that (prospect of marriage and kids). This friend has been praying for me and with me daily. I spend time with him to learn more about who he is, and I have yet to say anything negative. He has his heart set on God and lives everyday as a humble servant. Needless to say, it's been a blessing for me.

However, I could not return the feelings; at least for the time being. After HJ, my heart has been a bit cold. I lost touch with God and with myself. But really, it was a serious relationship and one that I learned to love someone, though it seems he was more of a stranger. But, I felt like I was an object and nothing more. I was someone to satisfy sinful desires and be around for the sake of company. I can't blame him. I wasn't being strong for myself to stand up to it all. Every time I knew we were wrong, I didn't say anything. It was the desire in my heart to be loved, and I did what I could to receive it. Selfish me. I deserved to be heartbroken.

I need to get my life back on the road. I've fallen off the side and trying to push my way back on route. I don't want to jump into another relationship merely because he is showing me affection and love. There's still lingering issues in my heart that I need to settle before I can consider a relationship again.

But, I'm glad someone can see my heart. It's not always about thinking objectively, but taking into consideration someone's subjective thoughts as well.

first date

So, tonight after taking photos for Falling/Rising, I went to dinner with a friend I met at Ignite last weekend. Nothing going on. Just a simple dinner... though you may consider it a "first date".

After talking with him, I shared a bit of my life as of now. The good, the bad, the previous struggles, and such. I kept it real with him, but didn't open up as I used to. We talked mainly about faith, church, God, and relationships with others. It was refreshing to talk to someone about such topics - mainly because it's been probably about a year since doing so; but also because I needed a reality check.

Long story short. This guy is a living testimony that God is working and alive.

While we're both just getting to know each other, I look forward to our "second date" this Friday. I'm being challenged the more I talk with him, and though I may not be in the place to "lead" anyone's faith life, I think we're complimenting each other well enough to start a friendship/accountability.

pre-break outing

Another crazy and fun night out with the roommates and friends. I love meeting new people. :)

This is probably the last week I'm going out until after finals. Plus, it's pre-Thanksgiving break.

Pictures to come. :)

ooooh wee!

I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait!

Next week is going to be amazing!

Ladies night out

WOO!

Crazy night out at NRB with some of the ladies... and man. ;)

I don't care-e-e-e-e-e!

richer

I'm $6 richer tonight (Maybe $4).

The roommates and I decided to go out to a friends apartment to celebrate his newly purchased Wii console... which we didn't even play. Instead, we had Rockband 2 on XBOX 360 and Mario Kart 64 on the N64.

I always knew I was good at Mario Kart 64, although it has been many years since I've played it. I played 4v4 racing with 3 other GUYS. They didn't know what they had coming. They figured, "Oh, she's a girl, she doesn't need to put any money in the bet but she can have it IF she wins."

Cocky boys. Don't you know I reign champion in Mario Kart 64*?

*Please note the difference when thinking about any other Mario Kart.

Needless to say, I beat them the first time around. They decided to bet again, and what do you know? I win again. :)

Teehee. What a nice end to my evening.

On another note, I don't condone betting. I just know my limits - AKA knowing when to walk away after a win. :)

Good night, loves.

dream

My awesome haircut. I absolutely love it.

Finally got to go stargazing. I never knew the moon light was so bright.

Pier by the lake. Moonlight. Countless stars. Great company. Perfection.

someday I'll fly away

... and leave all this to yesterday.

50mm f/1.4

The nights are getting colder. I'm loving it. I want to go to my secret getaway in Athens, lay down in the field and star gaze while shivering from the cold, and be in good company of another person. Just talk about life and well... nonsense. Though it sounds much like I'm a hopeless romantic, I really love doing stuff like that. The long walks on a beach, quietly sipping on coffee at a cafe while exchanging a few words here and there, and just... being in good company.

There's so much that I want to do; so much I want to share with people; yet, I rarely find anyone that truly understands this side of me and is willing to enjoy these kinds of things with me. So what if we just sit in silence for a while? Enjoy the company. I believe in silent conversations. Sometimes you can understand someone in silence more than when they open their mouths. Verbally conversing may be intellectually stimulating, which most people want, but silent observation can eventually bring about the same stimulus to oneself - which in turn can be spoken about at a later time. Kind of like thinking before you speak. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I look forward to this weekend. Possibly see some faces I haven't seen in a while. Reminisce, maybe. Talk about random things. Talk about years ago. Nothing extravagant - but, simplicity, you know?

I also look forward to next weekend in Chattanooga. It's nice getting away from the bustle of this huge city of Atlanta; as well as getting away from the stresses in Athens. I just need to get away from the typical routine, people, places. I want something new. Something refreshing - where no one else knows who I am; where I don't have to worry about running into people and acquaintances everywhere I go; where I can just be myself.

Why am I still up?

I'm probably getting tired, though I don't feel it. Sometimes, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts wanting to be released in some form of talking or writing. In this case, it's the latter since the former would just make me look crazy considering there is no human body here with me; though Junior is sometimes quite the listener. Either way, people would think I'm crazy ranting to a dog at 1:30AM, and though I love the boy, I'm not that crazy... yet. Hah.

Sometimes I just miss being comfortable, yet so uncomfortable. Being happy, yet miserable at the same time. Feeling like things were really settling, only to be unsettling in the end.

Where are my friends when I need them?

Probably asleep like normal people should be.

Stop overanalyzing your thoughts, Ivy. How many times have I told you?

Good night, loves.

Hallow's Eve Bash!

Wow, I woke up after nearly 9.5 hours! Must've been tired.

Now at my cousin's house for some chili, nachos, beer, and the GA v. FL game!
GOOOOO DAWGS! Sic em'!

Chris was so drunk! hahaha.

Chris as Reno 911 officer

1/5 of the crowd.

The host of the night getting friendly with Chris

Mindy aka Audrey Hepburn 'looking' at my butt

Jungeun and John as Popeye and Olive Oyl

Minhyun aka the host as Inspector Gadget & Popeye

Audrey Hepburn + Lady Gaga

Monica as Amy Winehouse + me as Lady Gaga

Joon as a penguin

My FAVE costume/act of the night. Dan as Alan from the movie Hangover

Becca as Donkey from Shrek!

Dan + the host of the night half naked. Both GONE!

crazy

what a crazy evening. i'm pretty buzzzzzzzzzeed. :P

party was so fun... though it started getting fairly awkward when people got all touch feely. none of that shit man!

pictures sooooooon.!

mmm good night, loves.

hallow's eve

Glad I stayed in Athens, though the party was pretty dramatic. House party + cops + idiotic boys/girls/young bucks thinking they're the shit = wack end to the night. Good thing I lived next door. I just walked to my apartment and called it a night. I hate people that try to act all badass and ruin these kinds of nights. Ah. But I must say it was pretty amusing to watch.

Just because you're older doesn't mean you deserve respect. You earn your respect from others, don't think that shit is automatically given to you. Age means SHIT if you're immature and disregard others. If you're younger, don't try to act all badass in front of your friends saying, "Oh, I wish he came back! I don't care if he's older, I'll fuckin' shut him up." Then, when the guy returns, you cower. Sometimes confrontation is needed, but there's a difference with confronting someone and ending it versus confronting someone and continuing to provoke it by saying things like that young buck said above. Once the situation has been spoken about, LEAVE IT.

Anyways. I digress.

All in all, it was fun for the most part.

But!

Tonight is the night!

Meeting up Bo to get a haircut. Maybe a late lunch/early dinner with him. Then going to Minhyun Oppa's house. Can't wait for that! :)

Lady Gaga

I decided to be Lady Gaga this Halloween. My costume is about 90% done. Just have to make the awesome mirror mask from the "Poker Face" MV.

I'm thinking of going blonde. What do you think? haha.

study break

I'm sitting here attempting to study for my art history test. Honestly, I'm pretty distracted. Maybe it's the thought of fall break a few days away and all the Halloween parties Thursday - Saturday. I'll probably stay in Saturday night considering everyone else will most likely be at Compound. I'll pass on that one, thank you.

In terms of progress in studies, I'm probably about 30%. I probably shouldn't have taken such a long nap earlier this afternoon, but the rain is so serene! The sound of it immediately puts me into a deep slumber. But, I did much of the important stuff last night until 3AM. Now, it's all about memorizing. My goal? Just to do better than my previous test. I need to see SOME kind of improvement.

Ah. This weather. Makes me want to reminisce. Probably shouldn't, but man.. there were some great times.

cheers!

Tonight was the open house for the photography department. It was filled with people, food, and lots to drink (wine and beer). I love "open bars" at the art school. I would've stayed later and drank til' my hearts content, but ah... had to come home to watch America's Next Top Model. Shucks. Hey, at least I got four prints done!

Drinking with the interns, professors, and classmates makes printing so much more exciting on these kinds of evenings. :)

I'm in a good mood. Maybe because I had a few drinks. Maybe since I'm 40% done with my project that's due in 2 weeks (which is a GREAT head start, btw). Maybe because I'm home watching the next episode of ANTM. Maybe because I finally get to relax. Either way. Cheers to a great evening!

preview

Love is patient, love is kind...

Driving back to Athens.

What a long long day.

I can tell my arm is going to be very sore tomorrow.

lie to me

Sometimes you think you know someone, but in actuality, they are not who you initially perceived them to be. Maybe I was at fault for thinking idealistically; or maybe it's theirs for deceiving me.

In short, I hate shady people. I'd rather people be REAL with me than to beat around the bush. I'd rather people tell me straight up "no" rather than having them say "yes" and not following through. BIGGEST pet peeve. What's more ironic? They know that I hate it.

When asked about certain things, they just flat out lie. How do I know? Because I have eyes and ears all around the damn place. Initially, I wanted to think of the best, but now I don't have time to deal with it.

If you love drama and carry that shit around with you wherever you go, do me a favor and spare me; don't give that shit to me. Also, I'm not going to end my relations with you, but until you get your life drama matters straightened out, don't expect me to go out of MY way to be a friend when you don't reciprocate.

Friendship is a TWO-WAY FUCKIN STREET.

If you're not going to give me a light of day, don't expect a damn thing from me.

small photo update

So, today I drove to SCAD-Atlanta to register for the SPE conference that I have to attend to tomorrow morning. The drive from Athens was quite slow, but somewhat tranquil. Maybe it was the rain + semi-cold weather. It wasn't so dreadful because Junior was keeping me company for most of the way. Here's Junior from the other day:

A dog can't get cuter than that. Plus, he's been an angel since he's been in Athens. No more accidents in the house (or bed for that matter), and he's got his potty routine down. He even poops on command! What a smart dog. I love him. :)

Afterwards, I surprised my mom at her office. While going to the embassy, I couldn't help but to stand around outside of Peachtree St. It's been years since I've walked around there. Definitely around the 15 years mark. It's funny how some things haven't changed, like Hard Rock Cafe and Steak and Ale (whatever happened to that chain? It used to be everywhere!).

I took a snapshot outside of Peachtree Center.

Ah, something about fresh rain and the city... this kinda reminds me of NY, minus the hill. :P

On another note, can't wait to go to New York again!

merrong

What an evening! I honestly haven't done much today, but I feel as though I've been extremely productive. Maybe because I was out from 11AM until 6:30PM. Went to class, then the dog park, went to lunch with a friend, and just hung out until 6:30PM. Now, I'm at home watching the season finale of Hell's Kitchen. I hope Kevin wins! :)

I'm in the mood for a movie. Though, I should be preparing for my advising appointment. Oh well. :P

love

The greatest disease is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.

Love sees past imperfections; it makes up for mistakes.

another day

I think I'm going to watch Rent today. Although it's a beautiful day, I need some inspiration

Rent, to me, is so inspirational. A group of friends, lovers, artists all living the true bohemian life. They live day by day working (or not working) around the clock barely meeting their everyday needs, such as food or in this case, rent. They are the epitome of what we call "starving artists" and in some way, I kind of want to live in their shoes. They may worry about their circumstances, but they don't let it get to them. They live life without regrets and look forward to another day.

there's only us

there's only this

forget regret

or life is yours to miss

no other road

no other way

no day but today

Be inspired.

I desire things that I can't have.

...

Why does it feel like someone is strangling me? Someone has tied these heavy chains around me and it's pulling me down.

I've never felt so alone...

rejuvenation

As the semester comes to a midpoint, I'm finding it more difficult to get myself to go to classes. It also doesn't help that the weather is getting colder and staying under my bed covers seems much more appealing than going outside to class.

When I'm in the photo lab for hours upon hours each night, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with frustration. Why didn't I just finished my Marketing major and be done with this place? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving Athens because it's my home away from home. It's my getaway from family and Atlanta; but the frustrations come knowing this is not my place. I don't belong here.

I'm too comfortable with familiarity. That's my problem. Though, I am very well capable of adapting to a new place and meeting new people, I choose not to. Why should I when everything is somewhat "settled?"

I remember when I was younger, before I knew how to swim, my dad attempted to toss me into the 10ft end of the pool. I fought and cried and of course won over my dad's playfulness, thus being saved from potentially drowning. Even now, I'm terrified of the deep end of the pool. Now, I feel like I need to toss myself into the deeper waters because I'll stay too comfortable in the shallower end. What I'm trying to say in the midst of this bad analogy is: I need to challenge myself instead of being complacent of where I am.

Give me something new.. please?

The last print of the night came out. Finally. Time to go eat.

happy 24th to jay.

I feel like things are slowly going back to normal.

Slowly.

We'll see.

deserted

For the first evening, the color photo lab is completely empty. I have the entire place to myself so no fighting for the developer or waiting in line to get my prints into the machine.

It's getting pretty chilly in here. Wish I brought a jacket or hoodie or something.

Ah, but I can't wait to leave so I can go get some food and tend to my baby, Junior.

Well look here, my last print for the night is out and done. Time to go home.

my diagnosis

Benzonatate & Loratadine

I slept for a good 10.5 hours yesterday. Woke up for class today and spent all of class outside on the intramural fields, along with Junior. I think getting fresh air helped, but regardless, I decided to go to the health center just to be sure I didn't get the swine flu or something awful.

Turns out it was just a flu.. or something of the likes. Got some prescription meds and allergy medicine. I hope I didn't develop allergies. That'd suck.

Took Junior to the dog park, and he had a blast. Don't think being out in the cold, dusty dog park really helped my symptoms, but I had fun. :)

Time to do some catching up on my work and watch Hell's Kitchen. I should probably eat something, but man, I don't feel like getting up.

miserable

Funs times always seem to come with consequences in Athens.

Friday night was the Loft, Raw Bar, hookah, and waffle house until 5:30AM with Bo and his Lambda boys.

Saturday was filled with an early lunch with the boys, watched Pandorum at the theater w/ Bo, ran in the rain, Choo Choo's, back home for Shawshank Redemption, and yet another night out at hookah with a few of the Lambda boys; then coming home to feed the boys until nearly 5AM.

Sunday was my off day. Cooked a semi-baked spaghetti from scratch + guacamole, fed about 7 people while watching The Boondock Saints. The rest of the evening was filled with laughs, mockery, youtube, stories, and the like. Needless the say, the "evening" ended at 6AM this morning.

The weekend was crazy, fun, and hilarious. I don't remember laughing this hard in a while. Ah. But my body can't hold this going out thing anymore. It's gradually taking a heavy toll. I developed some throat irritation last night and 4.5 hours later it feels worse. I can't swallow anything without this burning sensation. My back is tensed up.

I need to go to the gym today. Racquetball perhaps...

I feel like my ailments are from my lack of exercise. Time to get healthy.

crazy

Another night out with friends.

I love meeting new people. Tonight was pretty stress relieving, other than the fact I was trying to cook for 3 hungry boys after all the festivities at 4AM.

Now, I'm stuck with a snorer. My goodness. Can't kick him or push him off the bed, but man.. looks like I won't be sleeping much again.

Pray Until Something Happens.

Times get hard. Life gets hard. The Christian life is hard.

It is important to press on, or push oneself despite what comes up. God never gives one more than they can handle.

Many people face different adversities; my life isn't a yellow brick road either. Often times, I want to throw my hands in the air and admit defeat. Quite frankly, I think I do so more often than not. Perhaps it's because I don't want to deal with it, especially after it prolongs itself. Well, in whatever reasonable circumstance, giving up shouldn't be an option at all.

Just because life gets hard doesn't mean you should throw everything aside and not do anything. Pray until something happens. I know that I, as one person, cannot do everything even if I wanted to. When I see people hurting or facing difficult times, I wish with all my heart that I could offer something to ease their suffering. Unfortunately, I can't do much. I won't even say that I can understand what they are going through - because quite frankly, I will never being able to comprehend on their level. Why? Because I am not them. I may be able to relate to a certain degree, but I won't fully understand.

Fortunately though, I have the power of prayer. Everyone has it. Pray until something happens. That's the only thing I have to offer. God's heart breaks when he sees his children suffering. In the same way, my heart is broken for those that are going through rough times - and I hope it's the same way for others.

James 1:2-5
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

P.U.S.H.

back in action

So, today was quite restful. I decided to stay home from class and take a breather for myself; also considering today's class was nothing but watching videos. Sorry, I'd much rather stay home and watch TV and/or tend to other important things, thank you very much (for wasting my tuition money for nonsensical lessons).

I'll probably go out and take some photos today. It's a beautiful day, and I must take full advantage of it before the storm clouds move back in. I have some great conceptual ideas running through my head that needs out. Hopefully they turn out on film as I picture them in my head.

Time for lunch!

Goodbye, loves.

charter sucks

I spent most of yesterday cleaning my room while the internet was down. Laundry, vacuuming, dustings, and the likes. I feel like I can actually breathe in my room now.

Then for the first time in a very long time, I watched TV all evening. Hell's Kitchen, The Biggest Loser, Fox 5 News. It was relaxing, to say the least. :)

J has come down with a fever of some sort. Worries me. Probably will drive down today to go see him if he doesn't feel any better.

I hope the rain stays away. I don't want to be greeted with flood waters when I drive this weekend.

night shift

Justin Noh at QT

taken with Canon EOS A2E w/ Fuji 160 ISO

Sometimes, I just wonder about the circumstances that I am placed in. What could be the reasoning. Why do I continue to wrestle with my inner self when I thought I had myself all figured out? Why does getting older only make life a bit more complex?

I feel as if I will stay young forever. 23 feels the same as 18, minus the some situational differences. I've grown as an individual; however, I don't feel like there is a crazy distinction. Maybe since I'm looking at myself. I'm sure others see the difference.

I can't continue to live like I'm 18. What are the priorities in my life at this point?

Finish school. Find a job and/or go to graduate school. Get married (hopefully). Have kids (hopefully). Life a long and happy life.... hopefully.

Wishful thinking at 23? Perhaps. I just can't wait for those things to actually happen.

bon nuit.

23 years

I remember when birthday's were fun. I'd look forward to it every year, but now it's lost much of its appeal. I'm not old (yet), but I don't quite see the fun in getting older.

Then again, I'm hoping I'll enjoy being 23 for the next 12 months. Maybe something spectacular will happen. Maybe something dreadful. Regardless, I'm prepared to face whatever challenges and surprises lie ahead.

Now, must start reading art history. What a great way to kick off this 23rd year of living. :)

family love

So my older cousin asked me to burn him a couple of CD's, and he emailed today wanting a revision in the playlist. Here's the email he sent me. His closing gave me a nice chuckle. :)

Ivy,

Please take out song "Forget about Dre. by Dr. Dre Feat/ Eminem and put in......."written on her" by Jay Sean featuring Birdman.

Thanks and i will see you saturday.

Love,

The best of all best, freshest of all fresh, the beast of all beast oppa in the world

getaway

"My Getaway"

taken Fall 2008

It's a fairly overcast day, and I'm absolutely loving it. There's something about walking around East Campus on days like this. There's a slight breeze that leaves me in a state of serenity. I have so much to do in the next few weeks, yet I'm curious about my surprisingly calm nature in the midst of it all. Granted, this may not last for long (come the end of the week); however, why not enjoy it while I can?

I remember going to the abandoned barn pictured above last fall. Very few people know about it, which I like. It's my mini-getaway here in Athens. I'd like to have one place where I can go for semi-complete solitude. I have the company of the cows, birds, and the few people that come around the area for maintenance. I was actually disheartened to see that they put up a fence all around the barn when I went a few weeks ago. At least I can still enjoy the other things around it (another barn of some sort is a few steps away).

I feel like I'm losing some of my photographic inspiration. I haven't been feeding it well, and my camera has been neglected for some time now. I yearn to get out and take photos, but of what? There's so much more to see, yet I'm already feeling defeated. I think I need another mini-vacation of some sort. I need to explore and get inspired! Sometimes I feel as though I'm too complacent. It's true. But what better way to fix the problem than to go out and explore.

I'm pretty hungry now. Time to eat then head to the lab for yet another attempt at developing pictures. My goal? Have a total of 5 developed by the end of this week.

lesson #1

People don't always have your best interests in mind.

No matter who the person is, they will always want to save themselves first before thinking of the effects on the other party. More often than not, they will save themselves from the fire and let the other person burn. When you put your hand on something hot, what is the natural reaction? To pull away of course. Isn't that natural instinct?

So I know humans have a basic instinct. Most people (and let me reiterate "most") have good intentions. They don't intend on hurting other people if they can help it. If anything, they strive to look out for the better of their peers.

However, I do believe that humans are far too intellectual to go solely on basic instinct. We have defined thought patterns and are very conscious beings.

It is one thing to save yourself, but it's a totally different idea to save yourself when you've thrown another person out of the boat who had no fault. This is when the innate human reaction should be questioned and then thought through rationally. "Crap. I just threw someone overboard for nothing! I better pull them back in."

Sometimes it's too late. Some drown before the assailant realizes their mistake; others make it out, but scarred for a long time.

I'm never one to throw someone off the boat without getting my stuff straightened out first. I'm just surprised people take advantage of that. Apparently people don't truly know me. I can be nice, but as soon as you attack me - I'm ready to fight back.

I've been thrown overboard, under the bus, whatever the hell you want to call it... I'm scarred and bruised, but you know what? I'm still alive and kicking.

too much

Why am I always panned out to be the bad person? Why do I end up feeling inadequate? I hate this.

My heart aches because I feel like I lost a good friend because of some other people. Maybe I shouldn't have listened, but what else can I do when it hits me so suddenly? When all this stuff is thrown out by people I just met? I wonder if they truly have MY best interests in mind.

People wonder why I don't have many friends. I just don't know who to trust anymore.

I hope I didn't lose someone that I genuinely care for. CARE. Not past tense.

Damn. It hurts.

excitement

Jay and myself after my haircut and his ear piercing

I've been keeping myself fairly busy over the past few weeks. It's been refreshing, to say the least. I've done things in a two weeks span that would normally be done within years of each other. Let's just say I'm glad I have someone that can keep up with my spontaneity.

On the other hand, this haircut is truly the best and worst decision I've made. It's surprisingly low maintenance; however, I can't do a damn thing with it! I wake up in the morning with the urge to tie it up but find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I look like such a boy. Hair always looks good the day they actually cut/style it, but afterwards, it's a down hill trek.

I've been neglecting my blog, all while my thoughts run amuck in my head. I think I'm enjoying myself too much - the excitement and joy that has overwhelmed me these days - of course in a good way.

Time to eat, before someone kills me.

au revoir, loves.

i want out

I just want to go more than a week without having to deal with you. Until I hear an apology, I won't forgive you.

I can't believe I wasted my time.

serendipity

In April 2008, I met a guy through a mutual friends. He had recently moved to Georgia and came out for a friend's birthday not really knowing anyone. Considering everyone else was too preoccupied or intoxicated, I introduced myself. We danced, laughed, and exchanged a few words throughout the night - I felt attracted to him. In an attempt to gain a bit more insight on his character, I rode with him to a 24/7 Korean restaurant and began small conversations. We hit it off well at the restaurant, exchanged numbers, and I was already anticipating our next meeting.

I didn't see him until month later; we exchanged smiles and danced the night away. Later on in that evening, certain events turned the night sour. In the midst of all the chaos, I ended up leaving abruptly without saying goodbye. If I had known that would have been the last I'd see of him for over a year, I'd have done things differently.

In the following months, we spoke a few times on the phone, but never met since he was busy working and lived an hour south of me in Tyrone, GA. Eventually, his number changed and I lost complete contact with him. When school started in the fall, it was difficult for me to consider visiting him, and soon thereafter, I found myself in a relationship.

In December 2008, I received a random phone call from him. We briefly spoke and brought up the prospect of meeting up. Of course it never happened since we were both in a relationship, and driving more than an hour to see a friend may have seemed questionable to the significant other. A few months later, he changed his number again, and I lost contact with him once again.

Fast forward to the summer. My best friend, Jihae, began to work in Palmetto, GA, which neighbors Tyrone, GA. She was desperately needing a place to stay, so I decided to take my chances and call up the guy. It was the wrong number. After going through several sources, I finally got his number (through FB!). Nervous, I called and asked him if my friend could stay at his place for a few days until she got her own apartment. It was funny, because he was moving the following weekend and said he would change his one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom to accommodate my friend. Thrilled, I immediately set up a date to come by and see the new place.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit and while Jihae went to work, I decided to hang out with the guy to catch up. I didn't have expectations other than to reacquaint myself with him and catch up on the past year. We spent nearly 4 hours sitting at a Chocolate Pink Cafe talking, enjoying coffee and cupcakes, and sometimes sitting in silence. Afterwards we went to Serenbe for one of the best dinners/cocktails I've had in a while.

During that time, we decided to take a spontaneous trip to Savannah/Tybee Island. We didn't intend on going alone, however, when the next two days rolled around, everyone else decided not to go. It didn't matter. We went, ate great food, relaxed at the beach and pool for 5 hours, ate a fantastic dinner, and took a stroll down Riverstreet. Such a romantic, yet bittersweet time.

Over the course of the week, we began to talk more often. His best friend from Chattanooga came to town for a night and so we all had dinner together, and I took them out to Brickstore Pub to meet some other friends of mine. We all had a great time. It was quite a change to see someone so willing to meet my closest friends.

He just kinda popped back into the picture after 1.5 years. It's almost like picking up where we left off.

Say hello to Jay.

officially over

So the ties with the ex are gone now. The sublease is over, he returned my keys, and I've changed everything back to my name. As broken as I became after we ended, I feel like my life has been returned. I no longer have to believe his lies. I don't have to deal with his bullshit.

I learned to love a stranger and it's sad. It should've ended during spring break when he fucked up. I was such a fool.

"He's a Class-A asshole. I am one too, but I'm class-C."

I chuckled when my friend said that last night. He was right. Why the hell did I have to compromise the things I loved and the people I cared for merely because he didn't care for them?

I remember when he told me, "I want you do be more independent and do things for yourself without me."

It's ironic because he never wanted to invest his time in things I wanted to do, other than photography. I like the simple things: long walks on the beach, cafe talks, visiting new places, holding hands and walking around campus, meeting with my friends. It's nearly been a year and he has met my closest friends 1-2 times. Not even kidding. I still can't believe it.

"Hey, can we take a walk on campus?"

"No."

"Can we go to a cafe and just hang out and talk?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Can we visit ___ since we're in the area?"

"It's late."

"Why don't you come meet my friends? You're 5 min. away."

"Maybe another time."

I can only remember a handful of times when he did something that I wanted to do and I don't want to discredit that; however, I truly feel like the sacrifice I made to make this relationship work was so great compared to him.

Ivy, you don't try hard enough. You rely too much on alcohol when you get angry. You need to make better friends. You think too subjectively. You do this or that.

Well SHIT. How the hell would he know. He was NEVER there. Really. He was never there to see me with my dog at home when I do actually train him. He claims I drank more than one beer that night at Taco Mac when I drank half of one with a friend. He thinks I need better friends when he's never even met my friends. I think too subjectively? No. I just like to tell him how I feel when he constantly say things that make me feel inadequate.

At least I can hold my pride and apologize when I upset him. When he upsets me, he always has excuses and turns it back to me.. and when I begin to feel bad and apologize, he'll then apologize afterwards. Why not man up and throw the words out first?

Forgiveness and trust do not go hand in hand in maintaining friendships. I forgave him for all his crap. Does that mean I trust him? No.

At this point, if he ever wants my friendship, he better go over and beyond and apologize to me FIRST for all the crap he did. Knowing his personality, it'll probably never happen. That's what happens when you're too prideful to admit that you were wrong.

Moving on.

summer romance

It's like in the movies...

a little mix of "Serendipity" and "The Notebook."

snippet

"I loved her, Lord. I loved her enough to die for her, and she did this to me. Maybe she's beyond redemption. How do you forgive someone who doesn't even care enough to want to be forgiven?"

6 hour conversations

Last night, I talked with a friend for 6 hours over the phone, and for about 3 hours, we spoke passionately about church.

She got me thinking (and I will blog again once I organize those thoughts), some Christians have got it all wrong. They appear to be all there, but somewhere down the road, their ideology/theology got twisted. I don't say this to judge, because I admit that I have my share of mistakes, but my friend mentioned many reasons as to why she doesn't like church, and I couldn't help but to feel ashamed. She wasn't directly referring to me; but still, to know I'm still part of a community that fails to see that they are casting away people from the church is humbling on my part.

Church is for sinners - those that are oppressed, those seeking Truth, the lost, and the poor. We are ALL imperfect human beings, yet why do we cast a stone on those that we feel are "more" imperfect? Why do we drive them away?

I'm very upset. What has the Body of Christ been doing all this time?

Reminds me so much of John 4. The woman at the well. The story of MY life.

I need to pray about this. I'm extremely unsettled.

that's what friends are for

When I'm in trouble physically, emotionally, financially... one friend has been there for me. We've only known each other about 1.5 years, but he is truly a friend. No strings attached, and no matter what assumptions people may have. This goes for both parties, not just myself.

When I had my knee problem; when I got into my car accident; when I couldn't pay for my rent - he was always the first to help me, regardless if I refused or not, the thought was there and I'm entirely grateful for it.

I remember we would work out 3-4 days out of the week last summer, that is until I got this knee problem (that apparently has not healed). I could barely walk, and when I did, it was intense pain. Not long after, a group of us went on a road trip up to NYC, Atlantic City, DC, Philly, and Baltimore. We walked tons during that trip which didn't help the knee. During that time, however, my friend asked me how I was doing and offered a helping hand regularly. It may seem simple, but I was grateful for the concern - especially since I felt like I was taking the fun out of the trip, being handicapped and all.

A few months before that, I was driving back to Athens around 2AM after bowling with some friends. I was talking to him on the phone to keep myself from falling asleep. Then, I hit a deer in mid-conversation. While I was going hysterical, he attempted to keep me sane. That week, knowing how miserable and shaken up I was, he came to visit me in Athens three days in a row (as well as some other friends). What a trooper!

A few weeks afterwards, we were talking once again about school and majors when I realized I had to pay for my speeding ticket the following week. The parents didn't know at the time and while I was stressing, he offered to lend me the money to pay it. I immediately rejected it, but thanked him for the thought. Then fast forward another year and I found myself unable to pay rent for my apartment. He offered and insisted on helping me this time around. He literally wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

It's funny. We don't even talk/hang out as much as we used to, but it always so happens that he is there when these crazy things happen to me. It's actually pretty ridiculous now that I think about it.

You know, some people may think there are underlying motives in our friendship, but there really isn't. We discussed long ago that we were strictly friends - 오빠 동생 사이. You could say we had a DTR. We were both in relationships with other people, yet we still maintained our friendship, of course being mindful and not giving other's the wrong idea.

I remember my dad talking to me once and saying this, "Consider yourself blessed and successful to be able to count your closest friends on one hand."

Looks like I'm already on a good track. :)

Harry Potter Marathon

I am spending nearly 12 hours of my life trying to do this Harry Potter marathon. I just got home from watching #3 and 4 with Joshua. Poor boy fell asleep. I came over to watch the fifth one with him and didn't even get to since it got pretty late.

Anyhow, while watching the fourth one (pictured above), I couldn't help but to be slightly disgusted at how much the characters grew up in a span of four years. It's a HUGE difference from the first movie until the 4th - but I can't even imagine how they are in the newest one. Blech. They are no longer cute.

Well, at least I'm keeping myself busy on these "off" days of mine. Maybe I should watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy after this. I mean, I'm on quite a roll with these movies. People always gasp when I tell them I haven't seen (insert any popular movie title here). Now, when people make these references to movies that I never understand, maybe I can join in or even make some references myself.

On a different note, I've been pretty happy for the last couple weeks. Friends that I haven't seen in years have come back to visit. My prayer life is going well; my relationship with God has been getting back on track. It's amazing the difference it makes to really trust in the Lord when you are faced with various struggles and temptations.

welcome to reality

So, I wonder why I am here, sitting at another bar in Athens. This nightlife has become so mundane, but I still find myself mingling and meeting new people. A few hours into the night, I get a random phone call.

It's him.

"Uh. Hello? Why are you calling me? I thought we weren't talking."

He then replied, "Come meet me at the studio in an hour."

Uneasy, I shifted back and forth in my chair, and after a moment of hesitation, I agreed.

Upon hanging up the phone, I began to carry on a few conversations with some people sitting at the bar. I somehow managed to meet the manager of a business, and we spoke of a job prospect for me. Excited, I continued engaging in the conversation and soon lost track of time. I looked at my watch and realized I was very late. I quickly closed my tab and set off to meet him.

As I was walking to the studio, I received a phone call.

"Hello? Is this Ivy? I'm calling about your studio reservation.."

I was confused. "Excuse me? You must be mistaken. I never reserved a studio. He's the one that told me to come there."

"Yes, I know. He reserved a studio tonight for $360 under your name. He had an event set up for you, but you never showed." The voice continued, "He waited for you for 3 hours..."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran to the studio. It was closed. Without a second thought, I ran to his apartment. I ran down the steep hill only to find an empty parking lot and his bedroom light turned off. Where could he be at this late hour? He must be feeling miserable.

I waited, pacing back and forth in the dark night, tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry. Just come home, please. I couldn't help but to break down. It was a heart-wrenching feeling. I kept yelling his name over and over again...

...

and then I woke up. Heart racing. Breathing heavily. What was that dream? What was it all about?

I prayed long and hard all day. God, I know it was just a dream, but I'm feeling uneasy. I'm sure there is no meaning behind it, but please give me peace.

splurge

For the first time in a long time, I was able to splurge on... me. I haven't really bought myself anything that I wanted in a long time. I always find myself buying other's something because I find joy in seeing others happy and excited. Now, I can do things for myself from time to time.

I'm not ballin', but I did buy these two things at Lenox today:

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler - $19

NARS concealer in Praline - $22

I don't wear makeup much, but considering that dark under eye circles run in the family, I found the concealer to be necessary. Also, one of my best features is my long eyelashes, so the curler will come in handy with or without mascara. But man, I was smiling all day after I bought these two things. I can't believe buying something for myself could be this gratifying. 희수 오빠 looked at me strangely, but he was happy that I was looking after myself for the first time in a while.

Tomorrow I may be going to get a car wash with my cousins after church. It's been overdue. I haven't had a decent car wash in over a year. Plus, there are still dead bug guts splattered all over my car from my trip to Savannah a month ago.

Sometimes I may be envious of people that have close friends their age, but you know, I realized some friends cannot beat my relationship with my family, especially my cousins. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing people, but when it comes to my cousins, they are literally my best friends and look out for me way more than anyone else. They immediately treated my now nonexistent SO like family. That was a first for me, but afterwards I realized how blessed I am to have their support.

We're quirky, loud, crazy, passionate, affectionate, direct, understanding...

you're missing out if you haven't joined in on one of our family meetings. My future spouse will be one lucky guy. :)

never alone

I was charging my camera the today after many months and upon uploading, I realized the pictures were from March. I couldn't help but to chuckle while browsing through them. Among the photos was a video of a bunch of drunk law students singing "A Whole New World." Brought back a flood of memories, but man.. that night was a blast.

...

Jim Brickman is a brilliant pianist/musician. I listen more to his piano instrumentals than his lyrical pieces, but I randomly came upon this song tonight and instantly felt connected to it in many ways. It speaks of life, death, love, friends, joy, sorrows - all these different things in a 4 min. song. Maybe this is why I love the arts. Photography and music like this just speaks to me.

Maybe it'll speak to someone else as well.

Today marks the 8 year anniversary of my aunt's death. I can't believe it's been that long. I remember the night of July 17, 2001 so vividly, though I hate to even think about it.

reflection

I had lunch with a friend today. The first time I met her was 1.5 years ago at a conference where we were in the same small group. We haven't really spoken since then. I went to her church on Sunday, and as we exchanged greetings after service, a fairly personal, yet expected subject came up. Surprisingly, I found myself sharing some of my recent struggles and found that she was going through similar things - all this openness despite us being "strangers." Today was more of a follow-up, picking up the conversation where we left off on Sunday.

After lunch, I dropped her off at Emory and began my long trek home. I got lost, needless to say, but I didn't contact anyone. I took advantage of my alone time in the car, driving, listening to music, and feeling pretty independent (meaning being able to find my own way home). However, there was this overwhelming sadness/emptiness that came over me.

Even now, I'm uneasy. I sit, pace back and forth, lay down, over and over again; rarely doing each for more than 10 minutes. There's this extremely unsettling feeling in me, and I don't know what it is. I had friends over tonight, but even so, I felt strangely. I need to pray long and hard tonight.

...

I need to guard my heart. I need fear driven obedience, trusting that this is the best decision for me in the long run.

drained

Didn't think today would be so draining.

Family problems are stressing me out. It's even more frustrating when you can't really get away from it all. I actually wish I were in Athens.

Good thing I'll be somewhat "away" for the next five days.

Even in the tough times, I need to praise God. He is still good.

wise words

"God moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform."

- William Cowper

God has shown himself to me this week. I've spent hours alone reading, writing, journaling, reflecting, and praying - spending some intimate time with God. I've begun to notice little quirks about me (or habits?) here and there that seemed inexplicable at first; I figured it was just who I was; however, God's opening my eyes to a new reality and a new way of thinking that takes me OUT of the spotlight. It's really not about me at all, so why am I putting myself as the center of attention?

While I felt hopeless, God provided. When I was confused and wanted direction in my life, he gave me understanding and wisdom. When I was filled with bitterness and resentment, he calmed the storm in my heart and taught me forgiveness. While I was sick, he gave me comfort and healing.

He's shown me all of these this week. He's shown me all throughout my life, I just failed to see it some of the times. I couldn't hear his still small voice because I was so consumed with taking matters into my own hands. But time and time again, he speaks to me.

Do my will, beloved. I drew you up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set your feet upon the rock.

He's been there this whole time.

still small voice

Don't you see? Neither of us deserves this. It's got nothing to do with whether we do or not. Every blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for good done, but as a gift.

vulnerable

My soul is weeping while reading this book.

I'm fighting my heart.

I can't believe the pain God must have felt and still feels when I boldly fall into sin while looking at him face to face; When he tells me over and over again to fight the selfish desires of my heart, yet I give up.

I'm a messed up person. When did I become so wicked and filled with immorality?

God, help me fight this war and come out with a victory.

redeeming love

My high school friend randomly called me from Philly today (moved up there for college). It was quite the surprise, but I was thrilled. The last time we really spoke was during my road trip last summer. While sharing some of the latest happenings and an update on my spiritual life, he insisted I begin journaling. After some hesitation, I decided to give it a try. He wasn't the first one to tell me to journal. We'll see how that goes.

Anyhow.

I started reading the book, "Redeeming Love" after a friend insisted on letting me borrow it. I haven't been able to put it down since I started it. I find myself identifying with a lot of the characters (maybe not the exact circumstances), but their thoughts and prayers are very similar to my own.

"For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do." –Romans 7:19

My prayer these days is for God to awaken my dead soul and to really understand where/how the Gospel plays in my life. It's difficult to find joy and be thankful in the midst of my struggles, but man, I can tell God is working - providing for me during my time of need and really answering many of my prayers.

joy

The sermon from yesterday spoke on Ephesians 2:1-10. Maybe it's merely a coincidence that all of Rev. Kim's sermon's have pertained to the happenings of the prior week, but I've been tremendously blessed.

Yes, I've been "dead" and sinned against God; I've been disobedient and lost myself to the desires of this world; I've held anger and bitterness in my heart for the sake of my own pride.

BUT...

But because of God's unending love for us, His grace and His mercy, we are made alive again. Such a simple word as "but" changes everything. We are able to make a 180 and finally live again.

Want to know how to experience true joy in your lives? By serving and loving in this order:

Jesus

Others

You

The worldly view is the other way around. First loving yourself before you can love others. I wrote about it not long ago. I do agree it's difficult to love others or serve others if you don't love yourself. However, true joy comes from loving Jesus first and foremost, then others, and yourself. Being self-less.

when life throws oranges.. I seem to get hit hard

By far the roughest week, yet happiest.

I went to help my friend out at his store for a few hours and had some good talks, especially after many years. Around 7PM, I ended up going to my cousin's place for some drinks (meaning, one beer) and more great and hilarious talks. As unsupportive as my parents can get many times, my cousin's always have my back. I find that she, her husband, and brother-in-law really look out for the best of me and will stand behind me with a lot of my struggles. Dinner at KC Pit BBQ, which is a fairly "upscale" joint. Not really expensive at all, but they serve the food in an upscale manner.

I didn't get to see fireworks tonight, but I did run into my friend Davis, who drove down from North Carolina for the weekend. One of my old mentors and a close family friend. Ended up talking for a good 2 hours standing outside of Taco Mac.

It's such a blessing to see SO many old faces visiting Atlanta over the past few days and even in the next few weeks. I'm finding so much joy just talking and catching up with everyone.

.. and on another random note, I'm determined to find a job and move out of my house after school. I'll be calling Athens my home from now on until graduation. Hopefully by then, I'll be able to support myself and find a place to call my own.

irony

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-5