officially over

So the ties with the ex are gone now. The sublease is over, he returned my keys, and I've changed everything back to my name. As broken as I became after we ended, I feel like my life has been returned. I no longer have to believe his lies. I don't have to deal with his bullshit.

I learned to love a stranger and it's sad. It should've ended during spring break when he fucked up. I was such a fool.

"He's a Class-A asshole. I am one too, but I'm class-C."

I chuckled when my friend said that last night. He was right. Why the hell did I have to compromise the things I loved and the people I cared for merely because he didn't care for them?

I remember when he told me, "I want you do be more independent and do things for yourself without me."

It's ironic because he never wanted to invest his time in things I wanted to do, other than photography. I like the simple things: long walks on the beach, cafe talks, visiting new places, holding hands and walking around campus, meeting with my friends. It's nearly been a year and he has met my closest friends 1-2 times. Not even kidding. I still can't believe it.

"Hey, can we take a walk on campus?"

"No."

"Can we go to a cafe and just hang out and talk?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Can we visit ___ since we're in the area?"

"It's late."

"Why don't you come meet my friends? You're 5 min. away."

"Maybe another time."

I can only remember a handful of times when he did something that I wanted to do and I don't want to discredit that; however, I truly feel like the sacrifice I made to make this relationship work was so great compared to him.

Ivy, you don't try hard enough. You rely too much on alcohol when you get angry. You need to make better friends. You think too subjectively. You do this or that.

Well SHIT. How the hell would he know. He was NEVER there. Really. He was never there to see me with my dog at home when I do actually train him. He claims I drank more than one beer that night at Taco Mac when I drank half of one with a friend. He thinks I need better friends when he's never even met my friends. I think too subjectively? No. I just like to tell him how I feel when he constantly say things that make me feel inadequate.

At least I can hold my pride and apologize when I upset him. When he upsets me, he always has excuses and turns it back to me.. and when I begin to feel bad and apologize, he'll then apologize afterwards. Why not man up and throw the words out first?

Forgiveness and trust do not go hand in hand in maintaining friendships. I forgave him for all his crap. Does that mean I trust him? No.

At this point, if he ever wants my friendship, he better go over and beyond and apologize to me FIRST for all the crap he did. Knowing his personality, it'll probably never happen. That's what happens when you're too prideful to admit that you were wrong.

Moving on.