i want out

I just want to go more than a week without having to deal with you. Until I hear an apology, I won't forgive you.

I can't believe I wasted my time.

serendipity

In April 2008, I met a guy through a mutual friends. He had recently moved to Georgia and came out for a friend's birthday not really knowing anyone. Considering everyone else was too preoccupied or intoxicated, I introduced myself. We danced, laughed, and exchanged a few words throughout the night - I felt attracted to him. In an attempt to gain a bit more insight on his character, I rode with him to a 24/7 Korean restaurant and began small conversations. We hit it off well at the restaurant, exchanged numbers, and I was already anticipating our next meeting.

I didn't see him until month later; we exchanged smiles and danced the night away. Later on in that evening, certain events turned the night sour. In the midst of all the chaos, I ended up leaving abruptly without saying goodbye. If I had known that would have been the last I'd see of him for over a year, I'd have done things differently.

In the following months, we spoke a few times on the phone, but never met since he was busy working and lived an hour south of me in Tyrone, GA. Eventually, his number changed and I lost complete contact with him. When school started in the fall, it was difficult for me to consider visiting him, and soon thereafter, I found myself in a relationship.

In December 2008, I received a random phone call from him. We briefly spoke and brought up the prospect of meeting up. Of course it never happened since we were both in a relationship, and driving more than an hour to see a friend may have seemed questionable to the significant other. A few months later, he changed his number again, and I lost contact with him once again.

Fast forward to the summer. My best friend, Jihae, began to work in Palmetto, GA, which neighbors Tyrone, GA. She was desperately needing a place to stay, so I decided to take my chances and call up the guy. It was the wrong number. After going through several sources, I finally got his number (through FB!). Nervous, I called and asked him if my friend could stay at his place for a few days until she got her own apartment. It was funny, because he was moving the following weekend and said he would change his one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom to accommodate my friend. Thrilled, I immediately set up a date to come by and see the new place.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit and while Jihae went to work, I decided to hang out with the guy to catch up. I didn't have expectations other than to reacquaint myself with him and catch up on the past year. We spent nearly 4 hours sitting at a Chocolate Pink Cafe talking, enjoying coffee and cupcakes, and sometimes sitting in silence. Afterwards we went to Serenbe for one of the best dinners/cocktails I've had in a while.

During that time, we decided to take a spontaneous trip to Savannah/Tybee Island. We didn't intend on going alone, however, when the next two days rolled around, everyone else decided not to go. It didn't matter. We went, ate great food, relaxed at the beach and pool for 5 hours, ate a fantastic dinner, and took a stroll down Riverstreet. Such a romantic, yet bittersweet time.

Over the course of the week, we began to talk more often. His best friend from Chattanooga came to town for a night and so we all had dinner together, and I took them out to Brickstore Pub to meet some other friends of mine. We all had a great time. It was quite a change to see someone so willing to meet my closest friends.

He just kinda popped back into the picture after 1.5 years. It's almost like picking up where we left off.

Say hello to Jay.

officially over

So the ties with the ex are gone now. The sublease is over, he returned my keys, and I've changed everything back to my name. As broken as I became after we ended, I feel like my life has been returned. I no longer have to believe his lies. I don't have to deal with his bullshit.

I learned to love a stranger and it's sad. It should've ended during spring break when he fucked up. I was such a fool.

"He's a Class-A asshole. I am one too, but I'm class-C."

I chuckled when my friend said that last night. He was right. Why the hell did I have to compromise the things I loved and the people I cared for merely because he didn't care for them?

I remember when he told me, "I want you do be more independent and do things for yourself without me."

It's ironic because he never wanted to invest his time in things I wanted to do, other than photography. I like the simple things: long walks on the beach, cafe talks, visiting new places, holding hands and walking around campus, meeting with my friends. It's nearly been a year and he has met my closest friends 1-2 times. Not even kidding. I still can't believe it.

"Hey, can we take a walk on campus?"

"No."

"Can we go to a cafe and just hang out and talk?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Can we visit ___ since we're in the area?"

"It's late."

"Why don't you come meet my friends? You're 5 min. away."

"Maybe another time."

I can only remember a handful of times when he did something that I wanted to do and I don't want to discredit that; however, I truly feel like the sacrifice I made to make this relationship work was so great compared to him.

Ivy, you don't try hard enough. You rely too much on alcohol when you get angry. You need to make better friends. You think too subjectively. You do this or that.

Well SHIT. How the hell would he know. He was NEVER there. Really. He was never there to see me with my dog at home when I do actually train him. He claims I drank more than one beer that night at Taco Mac when I drank half of one with a friend. He thinks I need better friends when he's never even met my friends. I think too subjectively? No. I just like to tell him how I feel when he constantly say things that make me feel inadequate.

At least I can hold my pride and apologize when I upset him. When he upsets me, he always has excuses and turns it back to me.. and when I begin to feel bad and apologize, he'll then apologize afterwards. Why not man up and throw the words out first?

Forgiveness and trust do not go hand in hand in maintaining friendships. I forgave him for all his crap. Does that mean I trust him? No.

At this point, if he ever wants my friendship, he better go over and beyond and apologize to me FIRST for all the crap he did. Knowing his personality, it'll probably never happen. That's what happens when you're too prideful to admit that you were wrong.

Moving on.

summer romance

It's like in the movies...

a little mix of "Serendipity" and "The Notebook."

snippet

"I loved her, Lord. I loved her enough to die for her, and she did this to me. Maybe she's beyond redemption. How do you forgive someone who doesn't even care enough to want to be forgiven?"