reconnect

Today, I went over to HJ's apartment for the first time since his birthday. I had to drop off a few things for him and ask for a favor. While waiting for my negatives to get done at the Rite Aid down the street, I sat down and caught up with him. Mind you, this was probably the first instance of sitting down and talking together since our breakup. I wouldn't be surprised if he just held his tongue during the 30 minutes we sat down next to each other making small talk. I wouldn't be surprised if he really didn't care to talk to me; but, I wanted to. Selfish? Perhaps. But after the incident this past week, I really did want someone to talk to.

As much as I was a mess after we parted ways, and as angry as I was towards him, I'm at peace. Bottom line is, I think I'm ready to be a friend to him, though I'm unsure if he feels the same way. I mean, he was the one that wanted to maintain our friendship, yet never did.

Maybe the mishap with rent + wrong credit card was the start of it. Maybe this was God's humor playing around. Whatever it was, I think I grew up just a bit.

I don't expect much. Not rekindling nor a close friendship, but taking a few small steps at a time as an effort to reconnect with an old best friend.

I don't know why I'm about to tear up while writing this. Possibly happy tears of a long anticipated breakthrough of some sort. I missed him - not as a significant other, but as a friend.

I think I'll trust where God leads me on this one.

thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Dinner went by so quickly, but it was quite the feast! I really do hope mother brought some leftovers. We had 25 people and enough leftovers for at least 15 more people.

This year is a little different than the others. I have no idea why, but it just feels different.

However...

I am thankful that my family (especially my cousins and I) have gotten closer to one another over the past few years. I feel as though I struggle with the same things they once struggled with. Every time I talk with them, I don't feel as though I'm so different. I don't wonder why I think certain things or act a certain way. Maybe, just maybe, that's how my family rolls.

I love the friends that have stuck by me. They continue to love and care for me as a sister and give me the brutal, honest truth when I need it. I consider it such a blessing to have such friends in my life. And the great thing? I know they will always have my back and not betray me; because they have and continue to do so.

I'm thankful for the new friends I've made in the past few weeks. They have been a tremendous joy to me. Especially friends that pray for me every single night, whether it's over the phone or in person. I may not be where I want to be with God, but believe me, I am being challenged day after day by being with this community of people.

...

This Thanksgiving evening ended on a strange note. I had a friend confess his feelings to me - strong ones at that (prospect of marriage and kids). This friend has been praying for me and with me daily. I spend time with him to learn more about who he is, and I have yet to say anything negative. He has his heart set on God and lives everyday as a humble servant. Needless to say, it's been a blessing for me.

However, I could not return the feelings; at least for the time being. After HJ, my heart has been a bit cold. I lost touch with God and with myself. But really, it was a serious relationship and one that I learned to love someone, though it seems he was more of a stranger. But, I felt like I was an object and nothing more. I was someone to satisfy sinful desires and be around for the sake of company. I can't blame him. I wasn't being strong for myself to stand up to it all. Every time I knew we were wrong, I didn't say anything. It was the desire in my heart to be loved, and I did what I could to receive it. Selfish me. I deserved to be heartbroken.

I need to get my life back on the road. I've fallen off the side and trying to push my way back on route. I don't want to jump into another relationship merely because he is showing me affection and love. There's still lingering issues in my heart that I need to settle before I can consider a relationship again.

But, I'm glad someone can see my heart. It's not always about thinking objectively, but taking into consideration someone's subjective thoughts as well.

first date

So, tonight after taking photos for Falling/Rising, I went to dinner with a friend I met at Ignite last weekend. Nothing going on. Just a simple dinner... though you may consider it a "first date".

After talking with him, I shared a bit of my life as of now. The good, the bad, the previous struggles, and such. I kept it real with him, but didn't open up as I used to. We talked mainly about faith, church, God, and relationships with others. It was refreshing to talk to someone about such topics - mainly because it's been probably about a year since doing so; but also because I needed a reality check.

Long story short. This guy is a living testimony that God is working and alive.

While we're both just getting to know each other, I look forward to our "second date" this Friday. I'm being challenged the more I talk with him, and though I may not be in the place to "lead" anyone's faith life, I think we're complimenting each other well enough to start a friendship/accountability.

pre-break outing

Another crazy and fun night out with the roommates and friends. I love meeting new people. :)

This is probably the last week I'm going out until after finals. Plus, it's pre-Thanksgiving break.

Pictures to come. :)

ooooh wee!

I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait!

Next week is going to be amazing!

Ladies night out

WOO!

Crazy night out at NRB with some of the ladies... and man. ;)

I don't care-e-e-e-e-e!

richer

I'm $6 richer tonight (Maybe $4).

The roommates and I decided to go out to a friends apartment to celebrate his newly purchased Wii console... which we didn't even play. Instead, we had Rockband 2 on XBOX 360 and Mario Kart 64 on the N64.

I always knew I was good at Mario Kart 64, although it has been many years since I've played it. I played 4v4 racing with 3 other GUYS. They didn't know what they had coming. They figured, "Oh, she's a girl, she doesn't need to put any money in the bet but she can have it IF she wins."

Cocky boys. Don't you know I reign champion in Mario Kart 64*?

*Please note the difference when thinking about any other Mario Kart.

Needless to say, I beat them the first time around. They decided to bet again, and what do you know? I win again. :)

Teehee. What a nice end to my evening.

On another note, I don't condone betting. I just know my limits - AKA knowing when to walk away after a win. :)

Good night, loves.

dream

My awesome haircut. I absolutely love it.

Finally got to go stargazing. I never knew the moon light was so bright.

Pier by the lake. Moonlight. Countless stars. Great company. Perfection.

someday I'll fly away

... and leave all this to yesterday.

50mm f/1.4

The nights are getting colder. I'm loving it. I want to go to my secret getaway in Athens, lay down in the field and star gaze while shivering from the cold, and be in good company of another person. Just talk about life and well... nonsense. Though it sounds much like I'm a hopeless romantic, I really love doing stuff like that. The long walks on a beach, quietly sipping on coffee at a cafe while exchanging a few words here and there, and just... being in good company.

There's so much that I want to do; so much I want to share with people; yet, I rarely find anyone that truly understands this side of me and is willing to enjoy these kinds of things with me. So what if we just sit in silence for a while? Enjoy the company. I believe in silent conversations. Sometimes you can understand someone in silence more than when they open their mouths. Verbally conversing may be intellectually stimulating, which most people want, but silent observation can eventually bring about the same stimulus to oneself - which in turn can be spoken about at a later time. Kind of like thinking before you speak. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I look forward to this weekend. Possibly see some faces I haven't seen in a while. Reminisce, maybe. Talk about random things. Talk about years ago. Nothing extravagant - but, simplicity, you know?

I also look forward to next weekend in Chattanooga. It's nice getting away from the bustle of this huge city of Atlanta; as well as getting away from the stresses in Athens. I just need to get away from the typical routine, people, places. I want something new. Something refreshing - where no one else knows who I am; where I don't have to worry about running into people and acquaintances everywhere I go; where I can just be myself.

Why am I still up?

I'm probably getting tired, though I don't feel it. Sometimes, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts wanting to be released in some form of talking or writing. In this case, it's the latter since the former would just make me look crazy considering there is no human body here with me; though Junior is sometimes quite the listener. Either way, people would think I'm crazy ranting to a dog at 1:30AM, and though I love the boy, I'm not that crazy... yet. Hah.

Sometimes I just miss being comfortable, yet so uncomfortable. Being happy, yet miserable at the same time. Feeling like things were really settling, only to be unsettling in the end.

Where are my friends when I need them?

Probably asleep like normal people should be.

Stop overanalyzing your thoughts, Ivy. How many times have I told you?

Good night, loves.