broken living

I am one broken person living amongst other broken people in a broken world seeking to find a sense of individuality and striving to improve my character not only for others, but ultimately for myself. I lost part of my identity somewhere in the past when I began to let all my insecurities and inadequacies dictate who I am as a person today. There is a quote that says, "Your perception is your reality." Now, do I really want to let a person so self-conscious as myself continue writing the next chapters of my life, especially if all I do is (in a sense) live in the past? I mean, what's the point? Why continue if there is no substance?

In reality, I'm weeping deep down inside. For so long, I've disguised myself as someone I am not. I act in polar opposite to what I'm feeling. I tend to abandon my desire for change and assimilate myself to a place or with people where or with whom I don't have to deal with my "mess" - where people don't know my mess so I can just forget. It's funny how someone I've known less than a year could know me more than those that have known me my entire life.

I'm broken. I can't help but to think I brought this on myself. "It's hard to love someone when they don't love themself." Those words tear at my heart so much because I can understand. Then again, it doesn't necessarily imply that I don't have the means or capacity to love another, but rather, if I should expect someone else to return that same love.

In Matthew 22:36-38, it says:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment."

Then in verse 39 it says:

And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

Jesus calls us to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind first and foremost; then follows it up with loving others as we love ourselves. Can we truly love others without loving God first?

Another verse in John 15:12 says:

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Jesus isn't talking about a love based on how we feel about ourselves, rather how He loves us. Everything we do should be characterized by divine love. There are no conditions. If I had to wait to love myself in order to love the Lord, how long would I keep him waiting? Don't get me wrong though, this in no way excuses my lack of concern for myself. These are some of the many thoughts I've wrestled to articulate.

The heart of the matter is this: for the first time in a while, I feel truly convicted to stand in the face of my adversities rather than turn a blind eye with the hope that things will quietly pass.