will you be there?

I can't help but to tear up when listening to this song.

nostalgic

I went to visit my grandmother today, and as always, she thought of various ways to keep me there for as long as possible. I didn't mind at all. In fact, I find myself walking away learning a life lesson or two each time I visit.

She's 92 years old with a big heart and big dreams. You would wonder what kind of dreams a 92 year old would have, but surprisingly, she does. In reality, she can't do much for herself anymore but she wants to see the rest of the family - sisters, cousins, nieces, nephews, son, daughter, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. (we have a big family) - live their lives in joy. She talks about death every now and again; however, she wants nothing more than to see the growth of our family (both spiritually, emotionally, and in actual numbers!).

I looked at some of my childhood photos posted up on her cork board and realized that I'm no longer the little baby. The "baby" of the family is soon 23 years old. My eldest cousin is nearing his 40s and I now think, "man, I remember when my parents were that age."

The more I see my family, hang out with them, talk with them - especially my grandmother - the more I realize that life is a gift. Shoot, if I think the first 23 years of my life went by fast, I'll be in my 40s before I know it.

I remember not wanting kids during my early teen years, quite possibly because I was 1. young 2. the baby of the family 3. immature. Now, I find so much joy in taking care of kids. After 5+ years of babysitting and teaching, I've warmed up to the youngsters. I even found myself wanting more than the ideal one boy and one girl. Why? Well, I've seen the joy in my grandmother's eyes when she talks about her kids and even grandchildren; and honestly, I can't wait to truly experience that same joy. I've also been watching a drama, "You Are My Destiny", and seeing the parent's unconditional love for their children warms my heart.

I digress.


I can't help but to think that life is, indeed, short. There's so much I want to do. Now, I just wonder when will I be able to do everything on my list.

broken living

I am one broken person living amongst other broken people in a broken world seeking to find a sense of individuality and striving to improve my character not only for others, but ultimately for myself. I lost part of my identity somewhere in the past when I began to let all my insecurities and inadequacies dictate who I am as a person today. There is a quote that says, "Your perception is your reality." Now, do I really want to let a person so self-conscious as myself continue writing the next chapters of my life, especially if all I do is (in a sense) live in the past? I mean, what's the point? Why continue if there is no substance?

In reality, I'm weeping deep down inside. For so long, I've disguised myself as someone I am not. I act in polar opposite to what I'm feeling. I tend to abandon my desire for change and assimilate myself to a place or with people where or with whom I don't have to deal with my "mess" - where people don't know my mess so I can just forget. It's funny how someone I've known less than a year could know me more than those that have known me my entire life.

I'm broken. I can't help but to think I brought this on myself. "It's hard to love someone when they don't love themself." Those words tear at my heart so much because I can understand. Then again, it doesn't necessarily imply that I don't have the means or capacity to love another, but rather, if I should expect someone else to return that same love.

In Matthew 22:36-38, it says:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment."

Then in verse 39 it says:

And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

Jesus calls us to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind first and foremost; then follows it up with loving others as we love ourselves. Can we truly love others without loving God first?

Another verse in John 15:12 says:

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Jesus isn't talking about a love based on how we feel about ourselves, rather how He loves us. Everything we do should be characterized by divine love. There are no conditions. If I had to wait to love myself in order to love the Lord, how long would I keep him waiting? Don't get me wrong though, this in no way excuses my lack of concern for myself. These are some of the many thoughts I've wrestled to articulate.

The heart of the matter is this: for the first time in a while, I feel truly convicted to stand in the face of my adversities rather than turn a blind eye with the hope that things will quietly pass.

1 Corinthians 13

"...[Love] keeps no record of wrongs."

Love is patient, love is kind.

• Patience: Latin 'pati' = to endure, suffer
• Kind = forbearance

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs."

jobless yet productive

For the first time in long while, I'm jobless over the summer. I'm still looking although it's already mid-summer; however, I found something that is so much more worthwhile than making a few extra bucks.

I think I'll be going on an outreach in the city every Monday to play with some kids. It reminded me so much of missions some years ago. I went on summer missions for 5 years and upon graduating from high school, I haven't been able to join the teams during the summer months since I had to work to pay for miscellaneous college expenses.

Spending time with the kids today was a tremendous blessing. It reaffirmed my desire and heart for missions.

daily prayer

Though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.

I pray for the confidence...

to know that I am loved by God.

For 1000 days...

그 천일동안 알고 있었나요

많이 웃고 또 많이 울던 당신을 항상

지켜주던 감사해하던

너무 사랑했던 나를

그 천일동안 힘들었었나요

혹시 내가 당신을 아프게 했었나요

용서해요...

audience of one

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

early bird

Strangely, I've been waking up at 9:30AM everyday despite how late I sleep. I let Junior out for a bit then sleep again for another hour or two.

tired

When there is something that truly upsets you, others may laugh and say that it is nothing to get upset over. They question why you get worked up over such "petty" things. Does that mean there should be a standard as to what issues people can or cannot get upset over? Is everyone expected to be on the same page?

Since when was it okay to say something heartless that upset someone and walk away because you felt like it was an insignificant matter? When was it okay to scoff at someone when they actually speak up?

I heard this a few weeks ago at a wedding. The pastor told the bride to be understanding, caring, and supportive of her husband. Then he turned to the groom and said these words: "Be the first to say that you're sorry."

No matter how insignificant something seems, if it upsets the other party, no words will help the situation other than "I'm sorry."

celebration

Happy birthday to my baby, to my love...

2 months old:




8 months old:



1.5 years old:





2 years old:


He turned 3 today. A nice day out at the dog park with HJ + cousins + the dogs, spring roll dinner, and some good talks. These are my kind of weekends. :)

some things are better left unseen

Perhaps it's better to say some people are better left unseen...

some word are also better left unspoken, but why do I want to scream at the top of my lungs?


... and so the insecurities overwhelm my evening once again.

2 Corinthians 5

This Sunday, the pastor mentioned giving up our own steering wheel and letting God take over. I am constantly reminded that my life is not my own. "Heaven is my throne, and earth is my footstool." It's the idea that life on earth is temporary compared to the eternal life in heaven. Death is not the end; rather, the beginning of a journey that places us in the presence of Christ.

However, I can't live my life on earth in vain.

Becoming and striving to become an ambassador for Christ. If Christ is for me, who can be against me?